Randomness & Musings

Fuck April.  I'm glad it's over.  It was a crappy month with crappy weather...although May is not looking so hot right now.  freezly & drearpy.   Spring is apparently suffering from erectile dysfunction and just can't get it up.  

Aaaand there you have it.    Just had a wonderful 24 hour vacay to Lawrence/KC for Fleetwood Mac concert. It was a great concert, but more importantly, it was an incredible experience to go on this trip and to the concert with my dad.   It was just a really nice getaway, and we hit a #bucketlist event by going to see Fleetwood Mac.    We had great seats,  by sheer luck... if you can call handicapped seating because my dad can't stand for long and needed a wheelchair and his tremors are getting worse and he may not be able to eat jello ever again Parkinson's madness ...a lucky thing.  Not particularly lucky, but I appreciated the manner in which he was treated by the Sprint Center. They were wonderful and responsive and did everything possible to make it a reality and to have us sit in a place where we could really see everything. 

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow.    Being in Lawrence made me homesick, of course.  I really noticed when we drove through Topeka I had an overwhelming sense of being close to home.  I miss it so much.  It didn't help that everything is green and blooming and lovely up there, while down here on the prairie it's still pretty brown.  We have buds, but they keep getting frozen by the ridiculous weather that we are having. 

Anyway, I was glad to be home to my house as well, I ran in and out of there this morning and felt good being home.   So I guess I have dual citizenship in my heart for my two places to live...each has specific advantages and disadvantages, and I just need to plan and execute regular visits to Lawrence over the next year prior to moving back.   Grace misses her Grandma and Grandpa in KC as well... need to get her in touch via skype or something,

I have several people weighing on my mind,  I miss people in waves.... and my current list includes Megan and Lily, Heather Mac, Wendy, Lydia, and both Andy T and Andy B. 

I make a trip up there just after school is out and make it a priority to see them.  

Glad to be back at school, although the kids said they did NOT miss me.  That's ok... I still like them.   Mostly.

I'm just so damn glad I'm not in middle school.  It's a wonky time.  

My thoughts on Sandy...

 A blog post in which I say suck/sucky/suckier/  as much as possible.

1.   People who decided to "wait it out" and forced emergency crews to risk their lives to come get their asses when they should have left in the first place should receive a hefty bill in the mail.   What makes me think of things like this?     I once worked for a woman who was a quadriplegic, after a car accident in which she slid off an icy off-ramp.  She swore that the highway department sent her a bill for the guardrails she damaged.     I don't know.  It all sucks.

2.  Sadness and tragedy sound so much more poignant in a New York or New Jersey accent.

3.  The telethon was sad sad sad.   The videos were heartbreaking, but what really sticks with me at this moment is who WAS the "other" guy who was singing on stage with Steven Tyler, Jimmy Fallon, Bruce Springsteen, and Billy Joel.  He was on a mic with Bruce.  Who WAS that?  All the google searches said "Fallon, Springsteen, Joel, Tyler, and others." Sometimes Google sucks.  Someone help me out here.

4.  Matt Lauer has lost a lot of hair.

5.  Damn, I wish I could say I had lovely memories of visiting the Jersey Shore & boardwalk,  something beyond "I saw it on Beaches".

6.  I think if I lived there even if I didn't lose a damn thing I would still just have to sit down and cry thinking about how much CLEANING has to be done.  Cleaning sucks.  And have you ever tried to get sand out of your house when someone tracks it in from the beach?   I can't imagine dealing with the amount of sand Sandy tracked in.  Hey! "Sandy".  Get it? 

7.  I think a lot of weather reporters have PTS(andy)D from this, they were in way over their heads.  Almost literally.

8.  I wish I had a kid's address in NY or NJ... I'd send them 90 % of the candy my daughter hauled home from trick or treating... and I really did feel sad that there were a lot of kids totally wrecked about whatever else they may have lost, but also, no trick or treating? That sucks too.

9.  I'm glad they cancelled the NY Marathon.  Seems all that running energy could be put to good use around there.

10.  I'm very grateful that Obama seems to be making such a good impression in his support of Gov. Christie and whoever,  but I'm scared to death that people who just lost their homes or pets or trees or cars or childhood memories may have a little more on their plate than making the effort to get to a polling place on Tuesday.  Not to mention how hard is it to get from point A to point B at this time?  I don't have any real frame of reference so I'm just sitting here in the middle of Kansas, casting a vote that won't matter due to the electoral system, and worrying about how people will manage to vote.

 I will tell you, though, that I'm going to vote SO HARD on Tuesday.  Hurricane Sandy & all the damage sucked/sucks big-time.   Imagine how much suckier it would be with Mittens at the helm. 

November Stuff

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I despise the whole Movember thing,  men pretending that by not shaving for 30 days they are heightening awareness for men's health issues.  Whatever. I'm sure I'm oversimplifying the whole thing, but it really comes down to the fact that I don't know any men who look better with facial hair than without it.   Seriously.

So I thought about not shaving my legs for the entire month of November, but realized it would actually be more notable if I did shave them at all during the month.  November is like my vacation month... the torture of shaving my legs all. damn. summer. is finally over and I can sit back and relax and grow some leg hair.

I've seen lots of women posting 30 days of gratitude on Facebook.  That's nice.   One year I made a gratitude list of all that I was thankful for in pictures.   That was fun.  Maybe I'll throw some pictures into the mix. I'm grateful my kid has grown a foot in the past two years. And she's still cute.

I'd also like to walk every day in November.  I really need to get moving.  Movember.  Wait, that's already taken by the non-shaving men.

Anyway, as I sit here typing into the silence that is now my blog, I think I'll try NaBloPoMo or whatever it is, and actually write a bit each day.  And post it.   We'll see.

On that note, I did not walk today, but I vacuumed, which is far more challenging.  I didn't shave my legs, and I'm grateful for friends who are willing to drive 4 (or 5) hours out here to visit us.   My old old friend Wendy, (she's older than me) brought her 6 year old daughter out and we fully intend to let the girls amuse each other, boss each other, get into whatever they want, make messes and run wild, as long as they leave us alone while we play on our respective electronic devices and watch funny things on tv and talk late into the night, tonight it's looking like we might make it to 11. 

North, South, or Crazy?

Tonight we had dinner at a local restaurant “The Gathering Place” for my parent’s 37^th wedding anniversary.  Grace loves to eat at this restaurant, and knows her way around quite well.   She finished her “mini corn dogs” that I ordered for her, and when she decided she wanted more she went directly to the owner and cook, Jan, and asked for more mini corn dogs, please.   Obviously there is no reason to ask Mama for something when you know how to get it directly.     She excused herself to go to the ladies room shortly after that, and felt comfortable enough to leave the door to the bathroom wide open and to sing a loud song that went something like this: “Going to the bathroom is fun! Going to the bathroom is fun!  I’m going to the bathroom! It’s fun!”     I think the majority of the diners really liked the song.  

North, South, or Crazy?   Tomorrow I’m “volunteering” at an assisted living facility where I am applying to be an Activity (Life Enrichment) Coordinator.  Tomorrow basically serves as a 3^rd interview, in which I can hopefully demonstrate my ability to work with the team and interact appropriately with the men and women who live there.  Truthfully, I’m bored to tears not working, spending way too much time listening to the new Fresh Beat Band album (thanks, Uncle Scott) and the days are starting to blend into each other… so I’m thrilled to go spend the day hanging out with the older folks and getting a clearer picture of what the job will entail.   Hopefully it will be much more than macaroni art and Bingo.     Even if they don’t end up hiring me, it’s a day out doing something worthwhile, and I am more than ready to do that.    

I have a crush on another job in another town, as well, each of the two jobs’ pros and cons seem directly proportionate to each other, which would make for a difficult decision on the off-chance that both places offered a job at the exact same moment next week.  I’m assuming that won’t happen, and that circumstances and the universe will push me in the direction I need to be headed.  North or South? That is the question.

 The third option is Crazy, which is exactly where I will be headed if something doesn’t happen soon.   In the meanwhile I’m putting one foot in front of the other, pinning way too much stuff on Pinterest, and crocheting/decoupaging/spray-painting anything I can get my hands on.     

After having some miraculous dental work performed in Bartlesville, OK last week I  was sort of high on valium when I left my friend’s house to get on the road after a nap,  I proceeded to make my bed and bury my Kindle and my electronic cigarette in the blankets on the bed prior to leaving. So I’m being forced to read books made out of paper, and I have to TURN THE PAGES.   

The upside of all of that is the great front tooth drama that has plagued me for 10 years is now over, with a brand spanking new implant in the front of my mouth as well as a bunch of other stuff taken care of… and all because I know someone really nice who knows someone really nice and once again, I’m getting a crazy break that I don’t deserve in order to get the work done.    Another friend helped me clean my closet and bedroom, which is a feat that few have attempted through the years and there should be a plaque somewhere with this few good womens’ names on it.  You know who you are HeatherTriciaMarla,  and that’s just in the past 10 years.  I’m pretty sure there were others who went before these fine women, I do believe they made it out alive, but I’m not sure where they are now.  I am blessed also to be able to call my old high-school English teacher a friend, she’s been a sounding board and support and if someone had told me in high school that we’d be friends today I would have laughed. I have even reached the point that I can call her by her first name.  That takes my list of local friends up to THREE! 

So despite my best attempts at sounding pitiful and alone out here on the prairie, I’m blessed and fortunate and have way more generosity and grace in my life than I deserve.  I would also like to mention that it’s always nice to hear on Facebook that old friends may be visiting in the area soon, but not when that friend is a Tornado/storm chaser who is coming out this direction tomorrow evening.  I hope he has safe travels and all, but preferable a few counties away from here.   In the meanwhile I’m getting our bike helmets and flashlights ready.  Don’t worry, I’ll have the laptop in the closet or basement with me if it comes down to it.

I'm only 4 years old.

1.       I can’t.

2.       I’m tired.

3.       I have something in my nose and I need to get it out.

4.       I can’t pick up if the TV is off.

5.       If you leave the TV off I’m not going to pick up.

6.       I need help.

7.       I can’t do it by myself. 

8.       I’m tired.

9.       I don’t like you.

10.   I'm only 4 years old.

What are:  Reasons Grace won’t pick up the trash in her play-room.

Spring forward...

No other day of the week is so suited to rain as a Sunday.   In my parallel universe I would have gotten up today to a freshly ground pot of Ethiopian after sleeping until noon, meditated for as long as I could,  and turned on my Kindle for some quiet reading time.  And Robert Downey Jr. would be in the kitchen making breakfast.  

The reality, however, is that I woke up in my recliner (with a 4 year-old laying on me).   I stayed up until 3 (oops, it sprang forward to 4) checking out Pinterest and crocheting shamrocks after a lovely evening making thai chicken legs and chatting with the girls,  there was some construction paper and green glitter involved as well.   This morning 2 of us girls were servers at my parents' church,  and Grace and I were responsible for decorating the church fellowship hall for a St. Patrick's day potato bar thingy.    The whole scene was straight out of Woman's Day Magazine.   Very wholesome.  

In the midst of all of this calm I am having my own personal storm, living on the edge in my mind and ignoring the things I need to do to take care of myself.  I am operating in crisis mode and I know it,  I just can't seem to mentally get off the ride. 

Dragging out my toolbox of things that have gotten me through rough times in the past, I'm trying to reach out to more women friends,  get to meetings,  create, read, and write.    I might have to resort to exercise and diet if this stuff doesn't help.  I'm already taking enough medication.   It's going to be a few weeks before my next trip to Lawrence.   And I think about meditation every single day,  and how I really should practice that.

Things I just can't seem to deal with:  packing up the Christmas stuff, including the tree (don't judge me, it's all in my "second living room" and dining area, which is sort of out-of-sight/ out-of-mind most of the time, so it's not a huge priority apparently.   It may make next year's decorating much easier if something doesn't change.    My closet and bedroom is a direct reflection of my mental state and brings new meaning to the word disarray.   My family situation is ridiculously unhealthy and toxic;  and it's affecting everything else, including my own parenting abilities, patience, and sanity.  Financial stability is not even in the picture at this moment.

However, just for today I'm going to pretend everything is way cool and enjoy the rainy Sunday, even though it means back to back episodes of "Fresh Beat Band" and a to-do list that I'm going to ignore until later...the only responsible thing I plan to do this evening is scan/email some documents at a potential employer's request.     One day at a time...

our little kindness project.

In an effort to understand Lent and the ashes and such that we were NOT participating in on Wednesday at my parent’s church, I looked up some stuff…yes, I was googling in church. What?




I glanced through some info about returning to dust, representation of our sins and forgiveness, a chance to be “born again”, etc. Sounds great for some, and church members happily wore their ashes on their foreheads and gossiped about others during the church dinner.



I was looking for something else, however. I need a project, people. I need something to distract myself from the less pleasant aspects of my current life and to kick me in the ass to find more positive things to focus on. So I kept looking, until I found what works for me.



From a more metaphysical point of view, Lent is seen as an opportunity to release some of that attachment to STUFF and material things, and a chance to clear out the mental, emotional, and physical clutter to make room for a more spiritual aspect to life.



Ironically, the universe has been conspiring to make sure that I do this, and I find myself with the opportunity to make a lot of changes, be of service to my family, and to rearrange our life here on the prairie in a way that feels more genuine and manageable to me.



However, teaching a 4 year old to deepen her spiritual connection to the universe and all that entails is not really a task I am up for. So to put it in context, I started with what I consider the most basic of the principles I want Grace to know: Kindness to others, to herself, and to the world around us.



Hence the “40 Acts of Kindness in 40 days” project... it is providing me with lots of teachable moments talking about what we already do that is kind, thinking up ideas of ways to be kind, learning to GIVE (she’s a bit hesitant on this one) and mainly how much fun it can be to surprise someone else with a bit of unexpected kindness.



Today we are cleaning and de-cluttering anyway, so I’m asking Grace to pick a few things she is willing to give away… so far she picked her absolute favorite pink sparkly hat (I know she does not intend to give this away, she is feeling around for what I’m “expecting” of her, I can tell) a book that is “too scary”, and a plastic water bottle missing it’s lid. Well, I think the book is a good place to start. We’ll be working on not giving away beloved items/or crap.



We might go drop pennies at the park also to leave for other kids to find. Grace seems to REALLY like this idea.



This weekend we’ll be making ourselves some type of chart to keep track of our project together… any ideas?

Things To Do:

I am a list maker and goal setter. Perhaps not always so good at finishing , but I do have lofty goals and big plans. My best friend used to make fun of me for making detailed “To DO” lists complete with the estimated time it would take to complete each task and at exactly what time it would be when I was finished. Each task had a box to check as it was completed. He would find these lists around the house with the first item or two checked off, and I’d be curled up on the couch happily reading a book. I think it was a coping skill through the years for not having a good sense of how long it would take to do things, how much I could accomplish in a given amount of time, and keeping myself on task. I have a strong idea of what I want and a tough time staying on the path to get it.



Having started a new job about 2 months ago, I find myself enjoying it immensely for a variety of reasons. A) I like the people I work with. B) I like the agency and its mission. C) I like the clients, I am slowly getting to meet them face to face but I have a deep respect for the fact that each of them, in their own way, is trying to manage the symptoms of a mental illness in one way or another. Whether is means trying to drag yourself out of the house in the face of depression, learning self-care to minimize the impact of bi-polar disorder, overcoming substance abuse, childhood trauma, or psychosis it still takes an amazing amount of energy and focus to work on these things. And if the person is coming to The Center, seeing a psychiatrist, taking meds, participating in group or individual therapy, and getting support in daily life through case management then they are, in fact, working and struggling to manage a problem that is getting in the way of their ultimate happiness. Granted, some people put more effort into the process than others, some get to this point through their own means or as a result of circumstance. For most people it is a combination of these things.


No one wakes up one day and decides to become mentally ill, in fact it is hard to recognize, label, and treat for professionals, even harder still for an individual to recognize not only the problems they are facing but also to see the potential solutions. That is our role as case-managers of one type or another, to help someone take an active role in the process of getting better. A case manager helps the person with things like applying for public assistance, getting out of the house, accessing resources, cultivating successful relationships and support systems, and getting needs met in whatever way is feasible and acceptable for that individual.


I’ve been a case-manager for a long , long time, and in any location, agency, or population, one thing is constant: the job description changes every single day. Rather than having a routine set of tasks and duties, one must determine the course of each interaction with a client or professional with nothing but a few state mandated rules and a huge overriding principle of doing good work on behalf of others, in a manner that is helpful, effective, tough, empathetic, or kind at any given moment. It’s all about helping people to set goals and then encouraging them to stay on the path that will help them attain those goals. It really doesn’t matter who the person is or what their particular challenges are, what matters that you are attempting to support them in taking steps toward making their lives feel right to them.


This is not so different from how I feel on a daily basis in trying to create a life that feels right for me. For us. Grace is, of course, the biggest factor in our daily happiness and future plans. I am amazingly content here in Hooterville. Grace has Gomie and Gopa nearby and we see them most every day. They are as supportive as they can be about helping out with Grace and with finances and all the little icky details of daily life. It’s nice to have backup if I need it in getting Grace to and from school in Great Bend, being able to work late if I have late meetings, and being able to get out of the house once in a while to do something with other grown-ups. It’s working out… it’s not perfect, I still wish I had more time with Grace and then the evenings when I do want to leave for an hour or two would not be quite so traumatic for her. That could be a stage, as well…but she’s really clingy to me and doesn’t want to leave me much more of the time than I recall say…6 months ago. The ironic part is that she wants to be with me all of the time but doesn’t often remember what “No!” means, has selective hearing, and wants what she wants when she wants it, by any means necessary.


I hear a lot of people who commute back and forth to work say that they use that time for “me” time, or to unwind. I chose to take Grace to school in Great Bend each day so that we could talk and sing and play I-Spy on the drive there and back, giving us a couple of hours together each day that we otherwise would be missing if she were here in Hooterville all day. I forgot, however, that this would result in very little “me time” in the car, where I do love to listen to music not sung by Laurie Berkner, National Public Radio podcasts, and books on tape. Ah well… eventually we will strike the balance that feels right for both of us. We replaced the melted portable DVD player so that will allow some extra entertainment for Grace in the car for part of the drive. My goal is to make each drive about half interaction time and half entertainment time. We’ll see how that works out. I have lofty goals sometimes.


Another goal is to keep our house nice so that we can enjoy the space we are paying for as well as have people over. I just wish I had more than 2 friends. They are pretty entertaining friends, so that is a good thing. Unfortunately I don’t have as much in common with a lot of the people here that I knew years ago… we have led very different lives for the past 24 years. In the meanwhile, I’m staying open-minded and I am hoping that, as I’ve found to be true in most situations, we have more in common than not. This weekend is the town’s annual Octoberfest, and I am looking forward to the festivities. Several friends from Lawrence are coming in to town to partake in the fun, so I get a double bonus of seeing lots of people here in town and spending time with some of my best friends from Lawrence as well.


I’m working from home today organizing a medical assistance system for my job as well as syncing all of my calendars and making sure that I have dates and times scheduled for October in order to make sure I “make productivity”… basically I am working on doing at least 100 hours of billable activities in the month, and that’s harder than it sounds. In my job, as in life, there are a million little details that I can get bogged down in that actually don’t mean much to the daily well being of my clients. Or myself. Or my daughter. These details may help make life run smoother… a more effective system of managing a portion of my job, a clean house, clean car, clean kid, paid bills. I need these things to be organized and systematic in order to get to the big things: the stuff that really matters to me. At work that means doing concrete things that will make someone’s day a little brighter, easier, or saner. At home that means doing things that are good for Grace, good for my well-being, and which lead to a better life for us both.


I’m off to a 3-day conference today in Wichita for mental health professionals across the state. I’m looking forward to learning more about specific areas of this field. I’m excited to eat at some nice restaurants with my co-workers and to get to know them better. I’m happy that I don’t have to worry about my kid as she will be well taken care of by Gomie and Gopa, and frankly, I’m looking forward to the break in routine. A few days of minimal driving, grown-up conversation, and interesting information seems like a vacation to me right now. Getting paid to do it is just a bonus. In other news our cat is still missing, presumably consumed by a hungry coyote seeking sustenance in town due to the drought. The dirt is flying around here with the farmers plowing fields, the sunflowers are endless, the sand hills and prairie grasses are lovely shades of autumn, and the trees are on the verge of turning. The sky is so blue it makes my eyes water and my nose itch. So okay, everything may not be perfect, but the big stuff is good enough right now and I think we are on the right path or at least close to it.

Leaving home...

The summer of 1987 I turned 18 and split the small town where my parents lived after attending 3 years of high school there. I had a jam-packed red mustang, my dorm room assignment and Welcome to KU packet, and a crumpled road map that I didn’t use until I realized I’d gotten on the interstate going south instead of north and ended up in El Dorado.

This past Saturday I got on the highway going the right direction, only this time it was to head away from Lawrence… in a 30 foot U-Haul PACKED with stuff…5 friends, 4 other vehicles, 2 cats, 1 child, and 1 fish. Everyone survived the trip; even the fish.

As I drove the truck toward the toll booth to get on I-70 heading west, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how bittersweet the past month had been. I was feeling grateful and even undeserving for the most wonderful July in Lawrence, where we attempted to enjoy every single social event possible, to see as many friends as we could, and somehow also managed to pack our stuff, plan a birthday party for Grace, and survive the record heat-wave.

The planets aligned and I was able to see almost everyone I wanted to see before leaving. The friends that I don’t deserve were there to help clean, pack, encourage, support, and listen. Even more mind-blowing to me was the fact that 5 of my top 10 favorite friends actually agreed to go along on this adventure in moving. I felt that Grace and I were carefully brought to Stafford, tucked in, and told a hopeful bedtime story that we are doing the right thing and that the connections that we made through the years in Lawrence are connections that will last despite the four-hour drive.

I’m really excited to see the house taking shape now… I had so much help that it’s farther along than I ever would have expected after just a few days. I already feel that I have my living areas and bedroom just as I want them, and my parents decorated Grace’s room prior to us arriving so she is also happily ensconced in her canopy Princess bed with pink walls, princesses, feathers, and a pink chandelier.

Tomorrow I have a job interview in Great Bend, which is about 40 minutes away. It’s the type of job that I have many years of past experience with, and that I really feel could be a good fit for me. Getting started in a new job at approximately the same time that Grace starts pre-school would be wonderful for both of us to get used to me working 5 days a week and establishing our evening and bedtime routines.

Regardless of how much unpacking gets done right away, and whether or not I get this particular job, an added benefit of moving away was the outpouring of help and hugs…it makes me appreciate even more the people that I became close to during the years. I’m hoping to use this opportunity to write more consistently here in this blog, and I’ll be posting lots of pics as well…there is something about looking through a camera lens that makes you see things differently and that is part of what this adventure is all about. I want to take a couple of years to look at things in a different way, to renew old friendships, and for Grace and I to spend more time with my parents.

I needed to get unstuck…for the past couple of years I have not worked, instead I went back to school to fulfill requirements to apply for nursing school. Alas, my GPA was just below requirements (the late ‘80s & early ‘90s haunt me still)and I didn’t get in to the school I wanted on my first attempt. I was living in a situation that some would call emotionally unhealthy, but we made the best of it and enjoyed the positive aspects of that as well. Becoming ill in 2005 and surviving a life-threatening illness made me aware of just how important my family of origin AND family of choice are to me. Perhaps it was because I was an only child, somehow I have ended up with more sisters than I can count, and a whole bevy of friends near and far. I began to see that life is a journey and I had choices, always, about how I was going to live that life, rather than waiting for things to “happen” to me.

Lately I have felt that I had had reached a plateau…no job offers despite lots of searching, months to wait to apply again for a nursing program and parents with health problems of their own that compelled me to get up and make a huge life move. That, and the fact that I feel that I owe lots of money… the cheaper rent/cost of living here will allow me to get caught up after the past couple of years. I would like to note, however, there is something about being in a small town that makes you want to drive to another town’s “Walmarts” and spend like crazy. I will resist that urge. From now on.

Perhaps getting a new perspective will help me sort out what is important to me, who I want to be involved in our lives, and how I can be the best mom I can be. Living here will put a minimum 30 minute drive on most work opportunities, spending opportunities, and opportunities to be involved in the fellowship that I have come to depend on so much. You win some, lose some…and other things you just have to work harder for. I’ll be doing that.