Thursday, May 02, 2013

Randomness & Musings

Fuck April.  I'm glad it's over.  It was a crappy month with crappy weather...although May is not looking so hot right now.  freezly & drearpy.   Spring is apparently suffering from erectile dysfunction and just can't get it up.  

Aaaand there you have it.    Just had a wonderful 24 hour vacay to Lawrence/KC for Fleetwood Mac concert. It was a great concert, but more importantly, it was an incredible experience to go on this trip and to the concert with my dad.   It was just a really nice getaway, and we hit a #bucketlist event by going to see Fleetwood Mac.    We had great seats,  by sheer luck... if you can call handicapped seating because my dad can't stand for long and needed a wheelchair and his tremors are getting worse and he may not be able to eat jello ever again Parkinson's madness ...a lucky thing.  Not particularly lucky, but I appreciated the manner in which he was treated by the Sprint Center. They were wonderful and responsive and did everything possible to make it a reality and to have us sit in a place where we could really see everything. 

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow.    Being in Lawrence made me homesick, of course.  I really noticed when we drove through Topeka I had an overwhelming sense of being close to home.  I miss it so much.  It didn't help that everything is green and blooming and lovely up there, while down here on the prairie it's still pretty brown.  We have buds, but they keep getting frozen by the ridiculous weather that we are having. 
Anyway, I was glad to be home to my house as well, I ran in and out of there this morning and felt good being home.   So I guess I have dual citizenship in my heart for my two places to live...each has specific advantages and disadvantages, and I just need to plan and execute regular visits to Lawrence over the next year prior to moving back.   Grace misses her Grandma and Grandpa in KC as well... need to get her in touch via skype or something,

I have several people weighing on my mind,  I miss people in waves.... and my current list includes Megan and Lily, Heather Mac, Wendy, Lydia, and both Andy T and Andy B. 

I make a trip up there just after school is out and make it a priority to see them.  

Glad to be back at school, although the kids said they did NOT miss me.  That's ok... I still like them.   Mostly.

I'm just so damn glad I'm not in middle school.  It's a wonky time.  

Monday, April 29, 2013


I'm back, sort of... I guess I decided to come back and write again, primarily because I am looking at another year before I can move home to Lawrence.  I've made the decision to stick around for another school year, I really like the first-grade teacher that Grace will have, and I just moved into the new place, not looking forward to another large-scale move for a while.   Also, I love working at the school,  so much so that I am looking at taking MORE college classes,  maybe at some point this degree will be finished.

I love living outside of town, even though it is just 1/4 mile outside the city limits.  Still within a mile of the grocery store, the school, my parents.   I love having a view out the huge windows of the fields and the horizon.  Might as well see the positive in having the entire South side of the house covered floor to ceiling with windows.  It's pretty but expensive.  Even in the winter, when it is "supposed" to help heat the house, my energy bills totaled $600.  It was awful.  I can only imagine what Summer bills will be like if I don't do something.  I am putting up some serious light blocking or reflector curtains.  It's been fun to fuss around and decorate and arrange things just so.  As always, my house is messy, but I keep struggling with it on a daily basis.  I have a hard time following routine, establishing positive habits, and following through with anything I consider a chore.  I wasn't exactly schooled in this stuff growing up.  I needed a domestic mentor... like a big brothers/big sisters program, except someone who would teach me how to pick up, keep things neat, feel compelled to do the dishes before bed instead of once a week.    I got the hoarder gene as well, so  it's a hopeless cause.

Enough of that.   I have been resolving lately to stop talking to myself negatively, and there is another example of just that.  I do this with academic endeavors, job searches, and exercise programs also.   So the summary of my decision to stay in Stafford for another year or so is this:  I have some stuff I want to work on, particularly in light of ongoing health problems, (see:  chronic pancreatitis, diabetes)  mood issues (see:  depression, anxiety... stable with meds right now)  parenting issues (see: Grace's education, grandparent time with my parents as their health is sketchy) and wanting to get healthier in all areas.  (See: getting off my ass.) All of these things seem critical, and the idea of trying to juggle all that while trying to find a good job or two, make more money, survive.   Right now that would come at the cost of parenting time, sanity, etc.

As the summer approaches, I started to get really nervous about the possibility of moving us back to Lawrence with the need for a good stable job, possibly some health insurance?  and finding an affordable place to live in a family friendly neighborhood.   It's a big move in those respects, so as much as I would like to run screaming back to the shelter and love of all of my friends up there,  I need to consider the other things also.   I have a couple of friends here... I'm very lonely here and wish there were more social opportunities and closer/more frequent meetings, but it is what it is.   I don't know what I would do if so many of my friends didn't come out to visit regularly...I never imagined that would even be a possibility when I moved out here.  I love having company.

I guess I'm feeling a bit settled at the moment.  I don't want to get lazy and forget to go home, or take the "easy way out" and get stuck here.  I don't want to deal with any guilt when I do decide to go.   I came here thinking I would be able to help my parents out and perhaps help them to get to a place where they could look at moving away from here and being closer to us.  At the very least, it's pretty much crazy that my dad remains 90 minutes away from the VA, where he receives all of his medical treatment.  He has days where I cringe to see him driving, and my mom randomly falls asleep all the time, so she won't drive.

All of these things frustrate me, but I am working so hard to LET IT GO.  As my sponsor said when I moved out here:  You didn't create this situation, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Anyway, suffice it to say that my parents made and continue to make decisions that keep them in the situations that they are in, whether they like where they are or not.  I tell myself daily that I can't let it weigh on me if one or both of them are unhappy,  they have the power to change whatever they want to change.

It's a good day to be off work at 3 pm.  I see the Kindle, a cup of coffee, and me in the lawn chair under my tree for a little while, until my dad remembers I said we would finish assembling Grace's swingset together today after school.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Things that make MY kid happy...

Is it still November?  I guess I haven't stayed up with the posting every day thing, but I'm determined not to let that cause me to quit.  I miss writing on a regular basis, so I'm plodding along anyway when the mood strikes.

I can no longer have a conversation that does not include "I saw this thing on Pinterest..."    I'm a hopeless addict, and if I actually crocheted as much or cleaned as much or organized or cooked or sewed or gardened or parented as much as I pin about those things I would be awesome!  insane.

Anyhoo... I read an article today ON THE INTERNET about 10 things to do to make your kid happy... I think if you don't know these things yourself you probably should re-think the whole parenting thing.  But I also realized that some of what this woman wrote would apply to me and my kid, but other things would take more precedence.   So I thought I'd make my own personal list of what makes MY kid happy.  And then I can re-read that when I need some parenting advice.

1.   Getting out of the bath to be dried off and "wrapped up like a burrito" in her towel by me.   I used to fret that she wasn't independent enough  and needed to dress, undress, and dry off by herself.   She does do all of those things by herself, but she is thrilled if I spend the time rolling her up, squeezing her dry, tickling her, and rocking her like a baby.  

2.  Singing her lullabies, especially made up, funny ones.   At 5 years old, she's often got one foot on the independent and "big girl" side of things, and one foot wanting to re-live being a baby.  She loves to hear stories about herself as a tiny baby, see her tiny preemie clothes, hear lullabies I sang to her, and to be picked up and carried to bed.     It's REALLY hard for me to pick her up and carry her to bed, it's never been particularly easy but now at 50 pounds it's almost impossible.

3.  Picking her up even a little bit early from her afterschool program to do something special.

4. Actually, special dates with anyone she loves are a big hit for her.  She is very territorial about her people, as well, I've noticed it with adult friends and certain people from church or around town

5.  She loves to chat up the people in the store,  doesn't matter which store.  One of the nicer things about living in a small town is that she is known by name at the grocery store and the ice cream store and both restaurants.   Not yet by law enforcement, though.  Knock on wood.

6.  When I read to her without expectation of her reading part of the story.  She likes to read, but sometimes she's very clear about wanting ME to read THIS book to her.  I have to temper my excitement about her emerging literacy skills lest I freak her out and miss out on the eventual joy of each of us sitting in our own corners reading our books.

7.  When I tell her a story "from my own imagination".  I don't know where this started, but she asks for it almost every night, and some nights it's hard to come up with a great story, other nights I'm completely impressed with myself.   Last night's story even ended with a rhyme.

8.  Making phone calls on her own.  Her phone skills are slooooowly improving, but she really likes to be given permission to pick up the phone and dial whoever she wants.

9.  Taking pictures:  again, with my phone...sometimes I let her take it away for a while on a "photography expedition" and when she comes back we look at the pictures and she tells me what they are or why she took them.   It gets pretty interesting sometimes.

10.  "Writing" her own songs.  She composes some awesome/awful music, depending on your taste.  Her current hit favorite includes the phrase "My heart is staring at you"  and "yeah yeah" and "baby baby" repeated numerous times with changing inflection and volume.   Frankly, the song creeps me out.   But she loooves to sing and dance for an audience... she wouldn't make it in the pageant world, though, because she does not take feedback or direction well and insists on frequent video taping and review sessions.

So I told her I'd come and get her early today,  I think we'll take advantage of the weather to have a picture taking expedition around the neighborhood.

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"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White