Sunday, March 11, 2012

Spring forward...

No other day of the week is so suited to rain as a Sunday.   In my parallel universe I would have gotten up today to a freshly ground pot of Ethiopian after sleeping until noon, meditated for as long as I could,  and turned on my Kindle for some quiet reading time.  And Robert Downey Jr. would be in the kitchen making breakfast.  

The reality, however, is that I woke up in my recliner (with a 4 year-old laying on me).   I stayed up until 3 (oops, it sprang forward to 4) checking out Pinterest and crocheting shamrocks after a lovely evening making thai chicken legs and chatting with the girls,  there was some construction paper and green glitter involved as well.   This morning 2 of us girls were servers at my parents' church,  and Grace and I were responsible for decorating the church fellowship hall for a St. Patrick's day potato bar thingy.    The whole scene was straight out of Woman's Day Magazine.   Very wholesome.  

In the midst of all of this calm I am having my own personal storm, living on the edge in my mind and ignoring the things I need to do to take care of myself.  I am operating in crisis mode and I know it,  I just can't seem to mentally get off the ride. 

Dragging out my toolbox of things that have gotten me through rough times in the past, I'm trying to reach out to more women friends,  get to meetings,  create, read, and write.    I might have to resort to exercise and diet if this stuff doesn't help.  I'm already taking enough medication.   It's going to be a few weeks before my next trip to Lawrence.   And I think about meditation every single day,  and how I really should practice that.

Things I just can't seem to deal with:  packing up the Christmas stuff, including the tree (don't judge me, it's all in my "second living room" and dining area, which is sort of out-of-sight/ out-of-mind most of the time, so it's not a huge priority apparently.   It may make next year's decorating much easier if something doesn't change.    My closet and bedroom is a direct reflection of my mental state and brings new meaning to the word disarray.   My family situation is ridiculously unhealthy and toxic;  and it's affecting everything else, including my own parenting abilities, patience, and sanity.  Financial stability is not even in the picture at this moment.

However, just for today I'm going to pretend everything is way cool and enjoy the rainy Sunday, even though it means back to back episodes of "Fresh Beat Band" and a to-do list that I'm going to ignore until later...the only responsible thing I plan to do this evening is scan/email some documents at a potential employer's request.     One day at a time...

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"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White