Randomness & Musings

Fuck April.  I'm glad it's over.  It was a crappy month with crappy weather...although May is not looking so hot right now.  freezly & drearpy.   Spring is apparently suffering from erectile dysfunction and just can't get it up.  

Aaaand there you have it.    Just had a wonderful 24 hour vacay to Lawrence/KC for Fleetwood Mac concert. It was a great concert, but more importantly, it was an incredible experience to go on this trip and to the concert with my dad.   It was just a really nice getaway, and we hit a #bucketlist event by going to see Fleetwood Mac.    We had great seats,  by sheer luck... if you can call handicapped seating because my dad can't stand for long and needed a wheelchair and his tremors are getting worse and he may not be able to eat jello ever again Parkinson's madness ...a lucky thing.  Not particularly lucky, but I appreciated the manner in which he was treated by the Sprint Center. They were wonderful and responsive and did everything possible to make it a reality and to have us sit in a place where we could really see everything. 

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow.    Being in Lawrence made me homesick, of course.  I really noticed when we drove through Topeka I had an overwhelming sense of being close to home.  I miss it so much.  It didn't help that everything is green and blooming and lovely up there, while down here on the prairie it's still pretty brown.  We have buds, but they keep getting frozen by the ridiculous weather that we are having. 

Anyway, I was glad to be home to my house as well, I ran in and out of there this morning and felt good being home.   So I guess I have dual citizenship in my heart for my two places to live...each has specific advantages and disadvantages, and I just need to plan and execute regular visits to Lawrence over the next year prior to moving back.   Grace misses her Grandma and Grandpa in KC as well... need to get her in touch via skype or something,

I have several people weighing on my mind,  I miss people in waves.... and my current list includes Megan and Lily, Heather Mac, Wendy, Lydia, and both Andy T and Andy B. 

I make a trip up there just after school is out and make it a priority to see them.  

Glad to be back at school, although the kids said they did NOT miss me.  That's ok... I still like them.   Mostly.

I'm just so damn glad I'm not in middle school.  It's a wonky time.  

North, South, or Crazy?

Tonight we had dinner at a local restaurant “The Gathering Place” for my parent’s 37^th wedding anniversary.  Grace loves to eat at this restaurant, and knows her way around quite well.   She finished her “mini corn dogs” that I ordered for her, and when she decided she wanted more she went directly to the owner and cook, Jan, and asked for more mini corn dogs, please.   Obviously there is no reason to ask Mama for something when you know how to get it directly.     She excused herself to go to the ladies room shortly after that, and felt comfortable enough to leave the door to the bathroom wide open and to sing a loud song that went something like this: “Going to the bathroom is fun! Going to the bathroom is fun!  I’m going to the bathroom! It’s fun!”     I think the majority of the diners really liked the song.  

North, South, or Crazy?   Tomorrow I’m “volunteering” at an assisted living facility where I am applying to be an Activity (Life Enrichment) Coordinator.  Tomorrow basically serves as a 3^rd interview, in which I can hopefully demonstrate my ability to work with the team and interact appropriately with the men and women who live there.  Truthfully, I’m bored to tears not working, spending way too much time listening to the new Fresh Beat Band album (thanks, Uncle Scott) and the days are starting to blend into each other… so I’m thrilled to go spend the day hanging out with the older folks and getting a clearer picture of what the job will entail.   Hopefully it will be much more than macaroni art and Bingo.     Even if they don’t end up hiring me, it’s a day out doing something worthwhile, and I am more than ready to do that.    

I have a crush on another job in another town, as well, each of the two jobs’ pros and cons seem directly proportionate to each other, which would make for a difficult decision on the off-chance that both places offered a job at the exact same moment next week.  I’m assuming that won’t happen, and that circumstances and the universe will push me in the direction I need to be headed.  North or South? That is the question.

 The third option is Crazy, which is exactly where I will be headed if something doesn’t happen soon.   In the meanwhile I’m putting one foot in front of the other, pinning way too much stuff on Pinterest, and crocheting/decoupaging/spray-painting anything I can get my hands on.     

After having some miraculous dental work performed in Bartlesville, OK last week I  was sort of high on valium when I left my friend’s house to get on the road after a nap,  I proceeded to make my bed and bury my Kindle and my electronic cigarette in the blankets on the bed prior to leaving. So I’m being forced to read books made out of paper, and I have to TURN THE PAGES.   

The upside of all of that is the great front tooth drama that has plagued me for 10 years is now over, with a brand spanking new implant in the front of my mouth as well as a bunch of other stuff taken care of… and all because I know someone really nice who knows someone really nice and once again, I’m getting a crazy break that I don’t deserve in order to get the work done.    Another friend helped me clean my closet and bedroom, which is a feat that few have attempted through the years and there should be a plaque somewhere with this few good womens’ names on it.  You know who you are HeatherTriciaMarla,  and that’s just in the past 10 years.  I’m pretty sure there were others who went before these fine women, I do believe they made it out alive, but I’m not sure where they are now.  I am blessed also to be able to call my old high-school English teacher a friend, she’s been a sounding board and support and if someone had told me in high school that we’d be friends today I would have laughed. I have even reached the point that I can call her by her first name.  That takes my list of local friends up to THREE! 

So despite my best attempts at sounding pitiful and alone out here on the prairie, I’m blessed and fortunate and have way more generosity and grace in my life than I deserve.  I would also like to mention that it’s always nice to hear on Facebook that old friends may be visiting in the area soon, but not when that friend is a Tornado/storm chaser who is coming out this direction tomorrow evening.  I hope he has safe travels and all, but preferable a few counties away from here.   In the meanwhile I’m getting our bike helmets and flashlights ready.  Don’t worry, I’ll have the laptop in the closet or basement with me if it comes down to it.

Spring forward...

No other day of the week is so suited to rain as a Sunday.   In my parallel universe I would have gotten up today to a freshly ground pot of Ethiopian after sleeping until noon, meditated for as long as I could,  and turned on my Kindle for some quiet reading time.  And Robert Downey Jr. would be in the kitchen making breakfast.  

The reality, however, is that I woke up in my recliner (with a 4 year-old laying on me).   I stayed up until 3 (oops, it sprang forward to 4) checking out Pinterest and crocheting shamrocks after a lovely evening making thai chicken legs and chatting with the girls,  there was some construction paper and green glitter involved as well.   This morning 2 of us girls were servers at my parents' church,  and Grace and I were responsible for decorating the church fellowship hall for a St. Patrick's day potato bar thingy.    The whole scene was straight out of Woman's Day Magazine.   Very wholesome.  

In the midst of all of this calm I am having my own personal storm, living on the edge in my mind and ignoring the things I need to do to take care of myself.  I am operating in crisis mode and I know it,  I just can't seem to mentally get off the ride. 

Dragging out my toolbox of things that have gotten me through rough times in the past, I'm trying to reach out to more women friends,  get to meetings,  create, read, and write.    I might have to resort to exercise and diet if this stuff doesn't help.  I'm already taking enough medication.   It's going to be a few weeks before my next trip to Lawrence.   And I think about meditation every single day,  and how I really should practice that.

Things I just can't seem to deal with:  packing up the Christmas stuff, including the tree (don't judge me, it's all in my "second living room" and dining area, which is sort of out-of-sight/ out-of-mind most of the time, so it's not a huge priority apparently.   It may make next year's decorating much easier if something doesn't change.    My closet and bedroom is a direct reflection of my mental state and brings new meaning to the word disarray.   My family situation is ridiculously unhealthy and toxic;  and it's affecting everything else, including my own parenting abilities, patience, and sanity.  Financial stability is not even in the picture at this moment.

However, just for today I'm going to pretend everything is way cool and enjoy the rainy Sunday, even though it means back to back episodes of "Fresh Beat Band" and a to-do list that I'm going to ignore until later...the only responsible thing I plan to do this evening is scan/email some documents at a potential employer's request.     One day at a time...

Sometimes things work out exactly as they are supposed to...

I got a JOB!!!

I don't start til the 29th, and I don't feel it will be real until then... I am worried that some wacky thing is going to pop up and ruin everything.    Of course, I often walk around thinking the worst for no apparent reason.

  I have an overwhelming desire to go over there and hug the person who hired me.   Don't be alarmed, I think I can resist the urge.

Now to get school & daycare details worked out... luckily I'll have the first week to walk Grace to school and drive her from school to daycare a couple of those days just to get her settled into the routine.

Now I will be forced to take everything out of my closet and organize my clothes, as they will probably expect me to arrive dressed each day.

Yay!

Leaving home...

The summer of 1987 I turned 18 and split the small town where my parents lived after attending 3 years of high school there. I had a jam-packed red mustang, my dorm room assignment and Welcome to KU packet, and a crumpled road map that I didn’t use until I realized I’d gotten on the interstate going south instead of north and ended up in El Dorado.

This past Saturday I got on the highway going the right direction, only this time it was to head away from Lawrence… in a 30 foot U-Haul PACKED with stuff…5 friends, 4 other vehicles, 2 cats, 1 child, and 1 fish. Everyone survived the trip; even the fish.

As I drove the truck toward the toll booth to get on I-70 heading west, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how bittersweet the past month had been. I was feeling grateful and even undeserving for the most wonderful July in Lawrence, where we attempted to enjoy every single social event possible, to see as many friends as we could, and somehow also managed to pack our stuff, plan a birthday party for Grace, and survive the record heat-wave.

The planets aligned and I was able to see almost everyone I wanted to see before leaving. The friends that I don’t deserve were there to help clean, pack, encourage, support, and listen. Even more mind-blowing to me was the fact that 5 of my top 10 favorite friends actually agreed to go along on this adventure in moving. I felt that Grace and I were carefully brought to Stafford, tucked in, and told a hopeful bedtime story that we are doing the right thing and that the connections that we made through the years in Lawrence are connections that will last despite the four-hour drive.

I’m really excited to see the house taking shape now… I had so much help that it’s farther along than I ever would have expected after just a few days. I already feel that I have my living areas and bedroom just as I want them, and my parents decorated Grace’s room prior to us arriving so she is also happily ensconced in her canopy Princess bed with pink walls, princesses, feathers, and a pink chandelier.

Tomorrow I have a job interview in Great Bend, which is about 40 minutes away. It’s the type of job that I have many years of past experience with, and that I really feel could be a good fit for me. Getting started in a new job at approximately the same time that Grace starts pre-school would be wonderful for both of us to get used to me working 5 days a week and establishing our evening and bedtime routines.

Regardless of how much unpacking gets done right away, and whether or not I get this particular job, an added benefit of moving away was the outpouring of help and hugs…it makes me appreciate even more the people that I became close to during the years. I’m hoping to use this opportunity to write more consistently here in this blog, and I’ll be posting lots of pics as well…there is something about looking through a camera lens that makes you see things differently and that is part of what this adventure is all about. I want to take a couple of years to look at things in a different way, to renew old friendships, and for Grace and I to spend more time with my parents.

I needed to get unstuck…for the past couple of years I have not worked, instead I went back to school to fulfill requirements to apply for nursing school. Alas, my GPA was just below requirements (the late ‘80s & early ‘90s haunt me still)and I didn’t get in to the school I wanted on my first attempt. I was living in a situation that some would call emotionally unhealthy, but we made the best of it and enjoyed the positive aspects of that as well. Becoming ill in 2005 and surviving a life-threatening illness made me aware of just how important my family of origin AND family of choice are to me. Perhaps it was because I was an only child, somehow I have ended up with more sisters than I can count, and a whole bevy of friends near and far. I began to see that life is a journey and I had choices, always, about how I was going to live that life, rather than waiting for things to “happen” to me.

Lately I have felt that I had had reached a plateau…no job offers despite lots of searching, months to wait to apply again for a nursing program and parents with health problems of their own that compelled me to get up and make a huge life move. That, and the fact that I feel that I owe lots of money… the cheaper rent/cost of living here will allow me to get caught up after the past couple of years. I would like to note, however, there is something about being in a small town that makes you want to drive to another town’s “Walmarts” and spend like crazy. I will resist that urge. From now on.

Perhaps getting a new perspective will help me sort out what is important to me, who I want to be involved in our lives, and how I can be the best mom I can be. Living here will put a minimum 30 minute drive on most work opportunities, spending opportunities, and opportunities to be involved in the fellowship that I have come to depend on so much. You win some, lose some…and other things you just have to work harder for. I’ll be doing that.