SO... not much fallout after Rebound-Gate... GF and I had a long and entertaining talk on the phone the other night for over an hour. She rocks, and I am glad she didn't bitch-slap me. Fester took me out to dinner the next night and giggled about the awful story, also.
"If we didn't laugh we would all go insane."--Jimmy Buffett
In other news, it seems that I have an attitude, and I am not very nice. Wha?? I do have a tendency to come across as uhhh... impatient? hurried? irritated? annoyed? I guess it's not much fun to be around me sometimes.
Which got me to thinking about my own defense mechanisms. I've had all this emotional trauma that I refuse to actually deal with. I guess my vitriol is leaking out anyway.
A warning to all of my friends... apparently if they're not going to let me be a bitch at work, that leaves ya'll to deal with me. Be afraid. be very very afraid. Especially since I'm not getting laid AND there's no boy-toy to take some shit out on.
Seriously, though. I thoroughly enjoy the option of being a bitch when it's necessary, but I hate realizing that I've been one inadvertently. No fair.
ahhhh well. I need to get back in touch with my touchy-feely side. Maybe I should increase my Lexapro? Maybe I need to exercise more. Or ever. Maybe I should eat more Girl Scout cookies. mmm. yes. Chocolate.
I am going to go see Howard Dean today. Yowww! It's absolutely beautiful out, and I hope I can drag myself off the Free State porch to Liberty Hall for his speech. I wish I still smoked.
Some days I really want a cigarette.
I've been quit for 7 months, 20 days, 15 hours, 23 minutes and 30 seconds (234 days).
Ginger read the legend of the long, luxurious, pink scarf and decided to send me this:
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo, Lauren Monchik (more)
Hee hee. I'm waiting by the mailbox.
. . . . Random thoughts about nothing in particular, executed with alternating fits of bitchiness and/or sentimentality.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
the pink scarf...
For the monologues, each of us had to wear all black, with a hot-pink accessory. My accessory was, of course, a scarf that I knit. A long, luxurious, fuzzy pink scarf. It worked out nicely for the play...
After the play, we all went next door to the Brewery to celebrate our sparkly, happy, vagina-loveliness.
Rewind a moment... for the past week or so I've had a bit of a fling. Nothing too major, just a few make-out sessions...some flirting... some phone calls... whatever. I called him
"Rebound Boy".
the name.... it came from the fact not only that I was rebounding from mine and Fester's long relationship, but he ALSO was rebounding from a year or two relationship with... a friend of mine. There. It's out there. I broke girl code and hit it with a friend's ex. Or so I thought. Please note that I did NOT at any time "do the deed". This was not that kind of thing. And he INSISTED that it was OVER with his "ex".
No lectures on my stupidity, please, ya'll.
So anyway... we're at the Brewery, and Rebound boy is there. Being very very sweet and attentive, having just attended the show on my behalf, and looking awfully cute wearing a pin that said "Vagina Friendly". (I wouldn't know.)
We hung out. We flirted. The bar closed at midnight, and as the fun with the Vagina cast was dwindling, I was willing to move on down the street. Rebound boy wanted to go to Bar ! ... which happened to be where his "ex" girlfriend liked to hang out. Can you see where this is going?
After a few awkward moments at Bar ! (where no one realizes that he and I arrived together)
I leave by myself and head toward Bar #... thinking that once Rebound boy has extricated himself from awkward moment with "ex" girlfriend (GF), he'll fetch me and give me the ride to my house that I had been promised. He had my stuff in his car.
Bar closing time... after a couple of glasses of wine with an old friend, it starts to dawn on me that I need to line up a back-up ride home, and that things may not actually be what they seem down the road at Bar ! . I decide to call Rebound boy and just ask for my bag, telling him that I have another ride home. here are some snippets of the next hour.
"Oh no, I'll be right there."
"Can I just spend the night with you at your house?"
"I really really like you."
"She and I are over. Really. She just can't accept it."
"I've been looking forward to being with you all day."
"Hello?" (at this point "ex" GF calls 2 or 3 times while we are sitting in my driveway. She knows, apparently, that he's with someone, but does not know who. )
"Okay, come to my house. It'll be okay."
FF to his place. I've changed into ugly pj's, removed makeup, and driven over there thinking that we'll talk some more, have a little snuggle before bed, and sleep.
We did the first two things. During our talk it comes out that his relationship with GF really wasn't bad. Really, nothing much wrong there at all, just him freaking out a bit. Using my brilliant powers of deduction, I tell him that he's not finished, and has no reason to be, and needs to spend some time sorting things out with GF, as it sure sounds to me like they should look at getting back together.
Okay, still, I can't resist the short makeout session and someone to sleep next to. Sounds nice, and it would put a nice finish on the nice semi-fling.
Next thing I know I hear a key in the front door. I pull the covers over my head, thinking it will all go away, perhaps? The bedroom door flies open and the overhead light flashes on.
Seems that "ex" GF wants to chat with Rebound boy, so they go in the living room. I lie there with the covers over my head thinking... maybe she won't know it's me. maybe she'll leave. I parked Consuela down the street. She couldn't have recognized my car. I wonder if she has violent tendencies. Does she have an NRA sticker on her car? I wonder if I could fit through that window. Should I go out there? I'm really tired. Maybe I should take a nap until further notice.
"Kalli, what are you doing? Do you need a ride home?" ---says GF as she walks down the hall and into the bedroom.
I pulled the covers off, sat up, and said, "Hi. No, I have my car."
I grabbed my shoes, purse, and met her in the kitchen. We talked briefly... she was graceful. That's all I can say. She calmly sipped on her glass of water and said, "Well, we'll work this out. This is f***'d up. I know you are in a f***'d up place right now. I am too. And so is he."
I just didn't know what to say. What do you say to a pal who you don't know all that well, but whom you admire and enjoy, when you've just totally screwed up?? I asked her for a sip of her water. She gave me one and I left out the front door, she turned to go down the hall to go to bed.
So, who knew she had a key to his house still? Who could have known that he's been sad and lonely and wishing for reconciliation with her, and seeing me when she just wasn't available?
Who knew that he was such a freakin' weenie and that he would just sit there in his robe looking pitiful while GF and I talked. Who knew that he'd lie to me and lie to her and really, I think, lie to himself about all of this.
Ick. Men can be such pathetic, weak, messed up people. But I wasn't any better... I loved the attention and put away any thoughts of what might happen if GF found out. So even though they were technically "broken up", I'll know better than to believe THAT one for a while.
So... how'd GF figure out that it was me cowering under the covers? She saw my long, luxurious, fuzzy pink scarf tossed across his couch. Oops.
After the play, we all went next door to the Brewery to celebrate our sparkly, happy, vagina-loveliness.
Rewind a moment... for the past week or so I've had a bit of a fling. Nothing too major, just a few make-out sessions...some flirting... some phone calls... whatever. I called him
"Rebound Boy".
the name.... it came from the fact not only that I was rebounding from mine and Fester's long relationship, but he ALSO was rebounding from a year or two relationship with... a friend of mine. There. It's out there. I broke girl code and hit it with a friend's ex. Or so I thought. Please note that I did NOT at any time "do the deed". This was not that kind of thing. And he INSISTED that it was OVER with his "ex".
No lectures on my stupidity, please, ya'll.
So anyway... we're at the Brewery, and Rebound boy is there. Being very very sweet and attentive, having just attended the show on my behalf, and looking awfully cute wearing a pin that said "Vagina Friendly". (I wouldn't know.)
We hung out. We flirted. The bar closed at midnight, and as the fun with the Vagina cast was dwindling, I was willing to move on down the street. Rebound boy wanted to go to Bar ! ... which happened to be where his "ex" girlfriend liked to hang out. Can you see where this is going?
After a few awkward moments at Bar ! (where no one realizes that he and I arrived together)
I leave by myself and head toward Bar #... thinking that once Rebound boy has extricated himself from awkward moment with "ex" girlfriend (GF), he'll fetch me and give me the ride to my house that I had been promised. He had my stuff in his car.
Bar closing time... after a couple of glasses of wine with an old friend, it starts to dawn on me that I need to line up a back-up ride home, and that things may not actually be what they seem down the road at Bar ! . I decide to call Rebound boy and just ask for my bag, telling him that I have another ride home. here are some snippets of the next hour.
"Oh no, I'll be right there."
"Can I just spend the night with you at your house?"
"I really really like you."
"She and I are over. Really. She just can't accept it."
"I've been looking forward to being with you all day."
"Hello?" (at this point "ex" GF calls 2 or 3 times while we are sitting in my driveway. She knows, apparently, that he's with someone, but does not know who. )
"Okay, come to my house. It'll be okay."
FF to his place. I've changed into ugly pj's, removed makeup, and driven over there thinking that we'll talk some more, have a little snuggle before bed, and sleep.
We did the first two things. During our talk it comes out that his relationship with GF really wasn't bad. Really, nothing much wrong there at all, just him freaking out a bit. Using my brilliant powers of deduction, I tell him that he's not finished, and has no reason to be, and needs to spend some time sorting things out with GF, as it sure sounds to me like they should look at getting back together.
Okay, still, I can't resist the short makeout session and someone to sleep next to. Sounds nice, and it would put a nice finish on the nice semi-fling.
Next thing I know I hear a key in the front door. I pull the covers over my head, thinking it will all go away, perhaps? The bedroom door flies open and the overhead light flashes on.
Seems that "ex" GF wants to chat with Rebound boy, so they go in the living room. I lie there with the covers over my head thinking... maybe she won't know it's me. maybe she'll leave. I parked Consuela down the street. She couldn't have recognized my car. I wonder if she has violent tendencies. Does she have an NRA sticker on her car? I wonder if I could fit through that window. Should I go out there? I'm really tired. Maybe I should take a nap until further notice.
"Kalli, what are you doing? Do you need a ride home?" ---says GF as she walks down the hall and into the bedroom.
I pulled the covers off, sat up, and said, "Hi. No, I have my car."
I grabbed my shoes, purse, and met her in the kitchen. We talked briefly... she was graceful. That's all I can say. She calmly sipped on her glass of water and said, "Well, we'll work this out. This is f***'d up. I know you are in a f***'d up place right now. I am too. And so is he."
I just didn't know what to say. What do you say to a pal who you don't know all that well, but whom you admire and enjoy, when you've just totally screwed up?? I asked her for a sip of her water. She gave me one and I left out the front door, she turned to go down the hall to go to bed.
So, who knew she had a key to his house still? Who could have known that he's been sad and lonely and wishing for reconciliation with her, and seeing me when she just wasn't available?
Who knew that he was such a freakin' weenie and that he would just sit there in his robe looking pitiful while GF and I talked. Who knew that he'd lie to me and lie to her and really, I think, lie to himself about all of this.
Ick. Men can be such pathetic, weak, messed up people. But I wasn't any better... I loved the attention and put away any thoughts of what might happen if GF found out. So even though they were technically "broken up", I'll know better than to believe THAT one for a while.
So... how'd GF figure out that it was me cowering under the covers? She saw my long, luxurious, fuzzy pink scarf tossed across his couch. Oops.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
The Vagina Monologue performances...
The Vagina monologues... what an experience!! It was such a cool project to be part of. Some things that surprised/thrilled me...
~~the great women involved in it.
~~how GOOD everyone was. It was intimidating at first during rehearsals, I was so worried that I would totally be the weak link. So no one has TOLD me I was, anyway!!
~~Lydia's amazing last minute performance under strange circumstances of "Coochie Snorcher".
~~That I didn't throw up before going on stage.
~~That I didn't throw up on stage.
~~What a powerful message of hope, and hopefully raised awareness of some important issues for us all.
~~How wonderful it was that so many of my absolutely most important people were there to watch, laugh, be supportive, support the cause. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.
~~the great women involved in it.
~~how GOOD everyone was. It was intimidating at first during rehearsals, I was so worried that I would totally be the weak link. So no one has TOLD me I was, anyway!!
~~Lydia's amazing last minute performance under strange circumstances of "Coochie Snorcher".
~~That I didn't throw up before going on stage.
~~That I didn't throw up on stage.
~~What a powerful message of hope, and hopefully raised awareness of some important issues for us all.
~~How wonderful it was that so many of my absolutely most important people were there to watch, laugh, be supportive, support the cause. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
It's Fat Tuesday, and I'm FAT.
Things not to say to a woman whose relationship has just ended;
1. I always thought
a. He was weird.
b. This would happen eventually.
c. You could do better.
d. You'd be together forever.
2. I never thought
a. He would do this to you.
b. He was right for you anyway
c. He was cute.
My responses
-Waaaa. Me either .
-I didn't know.
-Ok, maybe I knew and chose to believe differently
-I hoped for the best.
-I worked hard for this relationship because I believed a lot was right about it, and I was getting something out of it at various times.
-it was better than being single most of the time.
-I just lost my best friend...Under the circumstances, I'm occasionally willing to call him an asshole, I am very rarely in the mood to hear him CALLED one.
1. I always thought
a. He was weird.
b. This would happen eventually.
c. You could do better.
d. You'd be together forever.
2. I never thought
a. He would do this to you.
b. He was right for you anyway
c. He was cute.
My responses
-Waaaa. Me either .
-I didn't know.
-Ok, maybe I knew and chose to believe differently
-I hoped for the best.
-I worked hard for this relationship because I believed a lot was right about it, and I was getting something out of it at various times.
-it was better than being single most of the time.
-I just lost my best friend...Under the circumstances, I'm occasionally willing to call him an asshole, I am very rarely in the mood to hear him CALLED one.
Monday, February 07, 2005
My bio...
I had to send Rikki my bio for the Vagina Monologues. I'm not very good at writing things like this about myself. Kalli XXXXXX (right, like you don't know who I am) is a service-coordinator for children, families, and adults with developmental disabilities. She works for Blah blah blah of Douglas County. Her hobbies include knitting, reading, watching bad television, and drinking Chardonnay, often all at the same time.
note to Rikki: Do I need to add anything to this? I don’t honestly know why I joined the cast, only that I felt so compelled to do it that I stalked the director and several cast members until Jennie relented and let me in.
Or version #2:
Kalli xxxx works occasionally at blah blah blah of Douglas County. Some days she prefers to stay home and hide under the covers. Her hobbies include avoiding bill collectors, drinking really bad Chardonnay, eating pop-tarts, and utilizing her Walgreens personal massager.
She was recently dumped by the shortest man in the world, and is making it her current mission to whine as much as possible. She joined the cast of the Vagina Monologues as a means of horrifying and amusing as many family members and ex-boyfriends as possible.
note to Rikki: Do I need to add anything to this? I don’t honestly know why I joined the cast, only that I felt so compelled to do it that I stalked the director and several cast members until Jennie relented and let me in.
Or version #2:
Kalli xxxx works occasionally at blah blah blah of Douglas County. Some days she prefers to stay home and hide under the covers. Her hobbies include avoiding bill collectors, drinking really bad Chardonnay, eating pop-tarts, and utilizing her Walgreens personal massager.
She was recently dumped by the shortest man in the world, and is making it her current mission to whine as much as possible. She joined the cast of the Vagina Monologues as a means of horrifying and amusing as many family members and ex-boyfriends as possible.
Consuela...
It was an okay weekend, and I really have been trying to take it easy, but it does seem easier to be out and about than to be at home. However, I was in bed by 7 pm on both Friday and Saturday nights. That's healthy, right? I need to de-program Fester's number from the phone, I still want to pick it up and mention this or that from tv or news... that's the weirdest part of all of this.
Kalli, PUT DOWN THE PHONE!!!!!!!!
I have a car again, (sing with me, to the tune of Barry Manilow's song "Copa Cobana") Her name's Consuela. She is a Tempo. With Hello Kitty on her mirror and Purple Heart license plates... Left signal does not work. Speedometer works sometimes. But she's Consuela. She is a Tempo.
Thank you. Thank you very much. You should really see this whole routine with the dance that I do while shaking her keys. My dad gave me the keys yesterday and they were attached to a "Seagram's Gin and Juice" key chain. Yo. Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. The beagle and the brown are behaving in the most spoiled rotten manner lately. I think they don't like my habits lately of being either OUT OF HOME or IN BED. Those are the two choices. Maybe if it quits raining we'll go for a W-A-L-K this afternoon. What did I do during the 1990's when I was perpetually single? More on THAT later.
Kalli, PUT DOWN THE PHONE!!!!!!!!
I have a car again, (sing with me, to the tune of Barry Manilow's song "Copa Cobana") Her name's Consuela. She is a Tempo. With Hello Kitty on her mirror and Purple Heart license plates... Left signal does not work. Speedometer works sometimes. But she's Consuela. She is a Tempo.
Thank you. Thank you very much. You should really see this whole routine with the dance that I do while shaking her keys. My dad gave me the keys yesterday and they were attached to a "Seagram's Gin and Juice" key chain. Yo. Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. The beagle and the brown are behaving in the most spoiled rotten manner lately. I think they don't like my habits lately of being either OUT OF HOME or IN BED. Those are the two choices. Maybe if it quits raining we'll go for a W-A-L-K this afternoon. What did I do during the 1990's when I was perpetually single? More on THAT later.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Bitter Railings
Everythings the same here. I've gotten quite a bit of things off my chest to Fester. (this is his new code name since he apparently has an art of letting things fester.)
I saw him last night for the first time. He told me that he was surprised I wasn't more pissed off. I told him I was plenty pissed off, just wasn't acting on it in any psychotic manner, since I don't believe that any such action on my part would change anything, nor do I believe that it's worth changing. I just don't have any respect for any of his reasons or actions lately, and it's proven to me that not only has this not been the relationship that I thought it was, but he is also not the person I thought he was. Scott disagrees with this, by the way. He says I knew (or should have) from the beginning exactly what was up, I've just had 5 years of denial. Who knows. Regardless, I think that Fester had the strength/stupidity to end this, and I did not, even though ultimately it will probably be for the best. I know that... I'm still just pissed. So it's for the best, yada yada yada.... I still hope he has some moments of despair and regret. He deserves it. I told him I don't know anyone his age that is actually this immature. Oh wait a minute. His ROOMMATES.
Anyhoo.... I imagine that someday we'll be friends. I'm sure as hell not telling him that right now, though. And lastly, Ginger wants it known that she only meant IF I want to run out and git married and have kids. If. Kay. Thanks, Mom. http://mailorderhusbands.net/order/
I saw him last night for the first time. He told me that he was surprised I wasn't more pissed off. I told him I was plenty pissed off, just wasn't acting on it in any psychotic manner, since I don't believe that any such action on my part would change anything, nor do I believe that it's worth changing. I just don't have any respect for any of his reasons or actions lately, and it's proven to me that not only has this not been the relationship that I thought it was, but he is also not the person I thought he was. Scott disagrees with this, by the way. He says I knew (or should have) from the beginning exactly what was up, I've just had 5 years of denial. Who knows. Regardless, I think that Fester had the strength/stupidity to end this, and I did not, even though ultimately it will probably be for the best. I know that... I'm still just pissed. So it's for the best, yada yada yada.... I still hope he has some moments of despair and regret. He deserves it. I told him I don't know anyone his age that is actually this immature. Oh wait a minute. His ROOMMATES.
Anyhoo.... I imagine that someday we'll be friends. I'm sure as hell not telling him that right now, though. And lastly, Ginger wants it known that she only meant IF I want to run out and git married and have kids. If. Kay. Thanks, Mom. http://mailorderhusbands.net/order/
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Ummm. Okay.
I'll never figure boys out. My 41 year old boyfriend of the past 5+ years has decided to join his loser roommates in a trip down Pathetic Lane. He wants to "jam whenever he wants with the bands that practice at his house", and "not have to have scheduled time to spend with me", and "it's just not fun anymore".
Hello? Did I miss something? I'm seriously so stunned I haven't shed a single tear... thank GAWD for girlfriends, though. I've had unbelievable support from some of the best women ever.
And I am totally psyched about THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES on Feb.20 & 21.
Also, Miss Mac hooked me up with the Lawrence Arts Center, and I am selling some scarves there in the Gallery shop for Valentine's Day. Something good must come from this holiday.
My car has taken a turn for the worse, and is resting peacefully in the driveway for now until we can raise enough money for chemo or whatever it is that they do to cars. My parents have thankfully agreed to loan me their lovely white Ford Tempo, so I will be back on the road in style (sort of) after the weekend.
Check out www.kraftykallipalooza.blogspot.com for pics of the scarves and other time fillers of the first "single-girl" weekend in a looooooooooong time.
I am seriously considering cleaning and rearranging the house and embarking on a new eating and exercise plan, a true sign of a woman on the recieving end of getting totally screwed in a relationship.
Classic quote from Ginger, my mother... "Well, I hope you get out and get started dating right away. You still have a little time to get married and have a baby." I'll get right on that.
Hello? Did I miss something? I'm seriously so stunned I haven't shed a single tear... thank GAWD for girlfriends, though. I've had unbelievable support from some of the best women ever.
And I am totally psyched about THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES on Feb.20 & 21.
Also, Miss Mac hooked me up with the Lawrence Arts Center, and I am selling some scarves there in the Gallery shop for Valentine's Day. Something good must come from this holiday.
My car has taken a turn for the worse, and is resting peacefully in the driveway for now until we can raise enough money for chemo or whatever it is that they do to cars. My parents have thankfully agreed to loan me their lovely white Ford Tempo, so I will be back on the road in style (sort of) after the weekend.
Check out www.kraftykallipalooza.blogspot.com for pics of the scarves and other time fillers of the first "single-girl" weekend in a looooooooooong time.
I am seriously considering cleaning and rearranging the house and embarking on a new eating and exercise plan, a true sign of a woman on the recieving end of getting totally screwed in a relationship.
Classic quote from Ginger, my mother... "Well, I hope you get out and get started dating right away. You still have a little time to get married and have a baby." I'll get right on that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)