Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Beagle Nanny

So apparently when you're a wee 4 lbs 13 oz, it takes super-effort to breastfeed. It burns a lot of calories, too. And it takes more calories to maintain your body weight in an open air crib. So my little Grace faces the big challenge. Eat, gain weight, stay warm: all at the same time.

To ensure success at this, I am "moving in" to the hospital tonight. I've got new books to read, work to work on, and cell phone for texting with the outside world. I've got a Hotsling, and a boppy pillow, and we're all ready to go.

The audit at work came out okay. It was rough getting to the point of audit-readiness, and my serious issues with procrastination that were enhanced by being tired and pregnant have definitely caught up with me. I've recieved many many demerits in the eyes of my supervisor, I am sure. So... I'll probably be on a short leash when I return, but in the meantime the pressure is off so I can concentrate on the current priority, which is getting Grace home safe and sound and healthy.

I think I may even be able to save my house in the midst of all of this, dirty as it is, it still beats living in a van down by the river. It appears that there is hope. And the Merry Maids are coming Aug. 30th, which is also the same day I meet with our new pediatrician here in Lawrence. Yippee!!

So I don't have childcare arranged yet, but by god my Beagle has a nanny. She's been crazy and sad and constantly excaping while I've been gone so much. Some friends repaired the fence for the 40th time, but she's been so unhappy that I was considering doggy day care. Then I had a brilliant idea... My neighbor, Pat, always seems to be the person home all day who rescues Lucy whenever she does escape. Pat doesn't work right now, I think she may have a developmental disability, but I'm no expert. Anyway, she's just as sweet and helpful as can be, so I proposed a financial arrangement in which I pay her instead of a daycare, and she comes and takes Lucy for walks and visits during the day. The difference in the beagle's demeanor in the past couple of days has been dramatic. She's so much calmer and happier. I gave Pat a key to my house, and she felt bad for leaving Lucy yesterday so she hung out and did my dishes. What a great neighbor... but I told her that was totally unnecessary, but appreciated. Anyway, I'm grateful. So's the beagle.

Now we just need to find the perfect care-giver for Grace, and life will be good. In the meanwhile, I ran into a friend of a friend today that has offered some post-partum doula help after we come home, and that's going to be awesome. She works downtown at Blue Dandelion, which is where I went for the Hotsling and a couple more 4 lb. onesies. They're expensive but the only thing tiny enough to fit the little monkey for now.

I suppose I should get on the highway for the next feeding time... it's awesome to get comments on here, texts, and emails... those all get sent to my cell phone so I can see them immediately, and it entertains me when I'm in the baby bubble.

Next project: Thank you notes. So if you haven't received one, it's coming. Soon. I promise.


Sunday, August 19, 2007

Up another 2 ounces...

Grace is lovely today, as always. She gained a couple of ounces yesterday. I've been spending crazy hours at the hospital, as I still am not done with work, and it feels like I never will be able to walk out of there for an actual leave. I'm freakin' tired!

Still putting a crapload of miles in between Lawrence and KC. It's a lot of driving, but it helps to stay as much as I can in Kansas City at Beck's mom's house.

I went to an AA meeting on Friday night for the first time in 3 weeks. It was wonderful to see everyone, and good to hear some sanity for a while.

I guess the stress of the past week and pumping breast milk constantly have sucked the baby weight off of me... I've lost 20 of the 30 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. I'll probably eventually put it back on with hospital cafeteria food and vending machine treats if I'm not careful.

Off to pump some more...

Friday, August 17, 2007

Happy One Week!

Miss Grace is doing well. It's her one week birthday! She shares a birthday not only with Auntie Megan, but with Whitney Houston, as well. Hmmm.

She's off the photo therapy lights for now, off of the IV. Sounds like the big challenge now is weight gain and eating orally. She's ambivalant about my breasts. We had one good feeding today, the first one where she actually ate her entire meal from the buffett instead of being served by tube. Then the next 4 feedings kind of sucked. Or didn't suck. Whatever. She's a feisty one, though.

I realized when I went to the dashboard today that my post titled WOW about her birth was my 200th post. Cool.

Well, it's 4 something, think I'll stay here for another feeding at 5 am. Might as well give it a shot. We obviously have some practicing to do.

Also... I am so grateful for the wonderful emails and voice mails. They make my day at 2 or 3 in the morning when I'm leaving in my car and it's too late to call and bug anyone.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Postcard from the Edge (click for pics)

I'm spending a lot of time on the highway these days... back and forth to the NICU. I got released on Saturday, and it was terrible to leave the hospital without my baby. I knew when we embarked on this journey that it would be a difficult one, and would have complications... but I didn't really think of the actual reality of having a little 4 1/2 pound baby in ICU an hour away from home.

Unfortunately all of my procrastinating tendencies and bad planning and then going into the hospital unexpectedly so early is wreaking havoc on the other areas of my life... I won't bore you with the details here but suffice it to say that I am having a crazy week of trying to finish up last minute details at work when I should be resting, and have other huge and dire issues with my house and finances. It's a lot to deal with individually, and I am sure there are lots of hormonal factors and health issues too. My blood pressure was 170 over 110 yesterday, and I have a feeling it hasn't improved much today, either.

But. On a good note, my little Grace is doing so well. She gained 2 oz. in the past day. That's huge. She's been in a losing phase, down to 4 pounds 7 oz from her original 4 pounds 15 oz. Today she was back up to 4 pounds 9 oz. None of this weight loss has diminished her fat little cheeks, though. She's been alert and curious today, as you'll see by the pics. Until tonight, after I gave her her bath and changed her, she snuggled up close and had good sleeps with me until I left her at 10. As much as I tried to relax with her tonight, it didn't do much... the baby xanax effect just wasn't there for me... too many worries in Lawrence. Luckily she seemed fine with all of it, and moved into position readily for some skin to skin time with mommy.

She's still on the feeding tube, but is receiving breast milk for all of her feedings. Maybe that was part of the weight gain? Anyway, her IV will be in maybe until Friday. She's got orders to breastfeed 1 time per day, after I've pumped, so that I don't flood her with the milkapalooza that is coming from my breasts. Oh yeah, and on top of everything else I'm trying to pump breastmilk every 3 hours or so. That's a big "or so", as I have been running crazily from Phyllis' house to hospital to Lawrence to meetings for work, to the doctor for me, and making a zillion phone calls in between, trying to save the rest of my world from falling apart.

Anyway, tonight she ignored the doctor's order to breastfeed... she was totally uninterested. I don't know why she doesn't do what the doctor says... I wonder where she gets that?

So I guess I'm supposed to rest. I'll do that for a couple of hours until the next pumping. I'm spending the night in Lawrence tonight for the first time since I originally went into the hospital last Monday. 9 days out of my own bed... I miss it. I want my baby to be here with me. I have work I need to do now, and it's already almost 2 am. I don't trust myself to get up and finish it in the morning so I'd better do it now.

I got nothing else... keep checking the pics... I think I am looking crazier and more tired with each passing day, and I don't think that's going to change too much for the next... hmmm. 18 years?



Saturday, August 11, 2007

WOW!

Sorry I've had limited communications with everyone. I appreciate all the encouraging voice mails, texts, & emails. It's been a crazy past 36 hours!
My water broke at 2:30 pm, thankfully my dear friend Diana, a former labor/delivery/ob nurse happened to be visiting me at that moment. She immediately began telling me what to do (my childbirth class is August 11) and explained everything, stayed w/ me through out the whole labor & delivery. It was amazing. In addition, several goddesses, roomie, & my fab massage therapist all zipped right over for the labor party, bearing witness to all the fun...including the moments immediately after the epidural when I decided that I had to have on my waterproof mascara and long wearing lipstick. I was snapping pics and sending them to
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beaglicious/ The whole time. In fact, the very first photo of Grace I snapped from between my legs as she was sliding on to the table and taking that first breath to cry.
The entire experience felt just as it should. It felt like things moved quickly, which I was grateful for. The contractions that I had prior to the epidural were hard, but felt just as I expected them to. Even feeling her head crown and then feeling her move out was awesome. I felt very present with each push and very supported & encouraged. I said the serenity prayer a lot!
Grace is wonderful. We like each other a lot, and she's doing great at getting a good start on latching on. Sometimes she just forgets to suck, but that is part of her prematurity. I am confident that it will all come together.
I've been fortunate to have sooo many people calling, sending mail, etc. I am going to have to make myself rest and spend as much time in the NICU as possible this weekend, until they kick me out. :(
Then I'll begin a few weeks (??) of travelling back and forth to KC each day to be with her. I am spending a lot of nights at Miss Phyllis' house (Becky's mama) to maximize time with Grace. In the meanwhile, I hope to feel up to working 1/2 time until she comes home... This will allow me to save up time off until she's home safe and sound.
I will continue to post pics regularly. Feedings are at 11, 2, 5, and 8 round the clock. And I'll have a lot of pumping to do in between.
That's all my news. I'm gonna go rest and be a good mommy, and I'll update when I can and I'll call when I need sanity! Keep sending good wishes & prayers our way, that Gracie meets her milestones soon and can come home and meet the Beagle.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I already lost my marbles, thank you.

Saturdays are good. I read some cheesy story recently about a man who filled a jar with the number of marbles that coincided with the estimated number of Saturdays he had left in his life. Or maybe it was weekends. Whatever. Which reminds me... I failed to forward the email to 8 of my closest friends to remind them to send it back to me to grant my deepest wish and subsequently was responsible for the death of several puppy angels, but anyhoo... the story. I think the dude then removed the marbles and watched it dwindle and appreciated his weekends more, etc.etc.

No need for the marble thing here. I fully appreciate a good Saturday. I no longer feel "guilty" for doing what I want on a Saturday, or what I feel like, even if it is the nicest day in the world and I choose to lay in my recliner all morning reading a good book instead of taking that recommended walk around the neighborhood. That would have been good also, I am sure, but I did what I felt like doing. I went to a bbq this evening with a friend whose company I always enjoy, and hung out with good people at the new home of a family whose son I work for. What an awesome kid. On one of my many trips to the bathroom, he walked out of the bathroom with an armful of water balloons. He looked at me and said "Are you going to tell on me?" I just laughed. I don't have to be anyone's case manager OR hall monitor on a Saturday.

I came home tonight and spent some time reading the blog of a friend who invited me to read her private blog a while ago, but I didn't catch the invite. (Look for your invite if I have your email and I know you want to keep reading the 'palooza in the future) Anyway, it was awesome to read what's going on for her, although poignant as well. She's a great writer, and I've missed reading her lately, especially knowing that she was going through some pretty awful stuff. Her blog did not disappoint... I think it's a fine art to be "out there" in your writing in an environment such as this, taking care to protect those around you and yourself, but still allowing a glimpse into some painful situations that we otherwise might not really get into... with busy schedules, etc. I love that about blogging... it's a chance to share the good, the bad, the ugly. I've certainly used this format to share all of that and more. I know that there are people out there who read this and then end up with an understanding of my personal challenges that I probably wouldn't effectively convey otherwise in the noisy, busy, too rare opportunities that we have to be together face to face.
Not to mention many who I don't get to see face to face often, or at all. It's a very therapeutic venue. I hope that if I don't already know you read this, that you'll email me to continue to read after I change over to private.

So Saturdays... I'm grateful for every one of them. Even the ones that contain nothing more than a good book, some computer time, a short jaunt to the country for a bbq. It's more than I could have hoped for at one time, and I know that it's all going to be richer and more valuable to me when I am sharing it with a little one.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Going underground


She looks crowded in there... and so does the bladder.
40 days to go... woo hoo! I'm feeling pretty good, although I do feel like I'm moving in slow motion, underwater. I'm just at the tired point, I guess. I don't feel very motivated, I have bronchitis, and lots of pressure at work... our agencies' annual audit is coming up... I planned on having all of my stuff caught up and filed by late August anyway, of course, in prep. for maternity leave, but now all of my co-workers are right there with me in the last minute panic, as the date of our audit was moved to August 22.
Oh well... despite the pain of preparing for it, it will feel good to take leave afterwards knowing things are taken care of and in place, and they won't all be panicking and trying to figure out everything with me gone....that would stress me out later, during my leave.
If that sounds strange to you, understand that I work for a very tiny agency... I share an office with my best friend of the past 20 years, (who is also going to be Grace's godfatha) and I am friends with everyone who works there. So walking out and having "no-contact" with work and the goings-on at the office would be simply impossible. I used a website as a reference when composing my proposed maternity leave, and I had to just laugh when it suggested that 6 weeks was the minimum amount of time to stay away/have no contact with the office. Hee! Maybe in their world... I won't be able to afford that, nor would I have any real desire to be cut off from everything.
Pregnancy weirdness... aside from the "expected" alien things that are happening to my body (breast leakage, wearing wee-wee pads) I have some really strange sound effects happening. I guess that the lack of muscle coverage in certain areas of my stomach mean that things are noisy. There really is nothing between the scar tissue of my big tummy scar and the placenta... When Grace really gets to moving in there, I can hear the water sloshing around. It's soooo weird. My roommate can hear it from across the room, people sitting near me can hear it in meetings. Of course there's also a lot of visible motion... sometimes rolling, sometimes direct kicking/punching. It amuses me.
With regard to the last entry, thank you to everyone who offered advice and insight. I've finally reached a point where I feel that I've resolved my feelings about the issues at hand, and it can best be summed up in the most "behavioral" way I can muster. Rather than worrying about "what-if" and what the potential motivation might be for certain action or inaction on the part of other people, I am taking the guess work out of it and acting/not acting in accordance with the actual behavior that has thus far been shown to me. This means readjusting my attitudes, hopes, fears accordingly. I will do what needs to be done to protect us in the most basic and legal sense, but outside of that, I think that we will be okay just continuing with the support that we already have in our lives. Many people have actively pursued being part of this process. I'm not alone and I'll be okay.
If all I've received so far is sperm and criticism, then so be it. I don't need to receive any more of either of those things in the future from anyone who is coming from a place of anger and resentment. I'm still happy, thrilled to be embarking on this next adventure, and I'm going to focus on those who are here and ready to be part of all of this craziness.
Which brings me to my next thought... I guess it's not all about me anymore. SIGH. Because of this, I was trying to decide if I would be one of those people who puts up baby's own blog, or just include us all together in one big palooza. I think I'm going to just keep blogging here at kallipalooza, as always. However, I am going to go PRIVATE in a week or so. So if you are reading and want to keep reading, you'll need to let me know your email address or gmail account name, so that I can list you as an approved reader. You don't have to have a gmail account, (although why wouldn't you WANT to?) you can read as a guest if I list you, I think. I'll get it all figgered out. It's sort of depressing, as I like having an open blog that anyone can read, but I've been advised against it for now.
Email me at myfirstnamelastname@yahoo.com or kallipalooza at gmail.com if you have questions or if I can put you on the "special friends" list.
"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White