46 days til due date...I've been spending lots and lots of time at home... mainly catching up on work stuff in preparation for my maternity leave, and resting. I feel like I'm in a pregnancy bubble... everything I do right now is sooo centered on preparing for this child.
Preparations have been going well, thanks to the help of my parents and my friends.
I've had minimal health issues, mainly pain stuff that we expected to happen, and which is inconvenient and hard to deal with, but luckily is only happening every 2-3 weeks... I guess it happens when there's a growth spurt. It's a weird, intense stretching and tearing of scar tissue in my upper abdomen, thankfully not similar to what I imagine labor pains to be like... so no confusing issues there. Unfortunately, getting my "high-risk" care at St. Luke's means that I'm always an hour away from help. And there are times (4 so far) when a morphine IV has been the only thing to save me from climbing walls and screaming. As I said... it's intense, but treatable, and short-lived if they get it right away.
My hopes for a full circle of support from my own family and friends has been more than I ever could have expected.
Tonight I was told that I was irresponsible for going ahead with this when I knew I couldn't afford to have a child. I guess an abortion would have been preferable to some. Am I crazy for accepting this pregnancy as a gift, and treating it as such? Perhaps in some eyes I am. I don't regret a moment of it. And I know I won't regret a moment of being a mom.
I know this isn't good for me. My stress level is too much right at this moment, and that's just not good for me or Grace. I need to focus on work and health and cutting down on cigarettes and eating healthy.
I miss my friends. I miss Rikki. I think about her a lot. I miss Meggity meg. Heather just comes over cause she knows she can't drag me out otherwise. I haven't seen Lulu or Ames in forever. I've been to one AA meeting in like 6 weeks. I've been skipping church.
I'm going to Sunshine Fri evening and out with friends after, hopefully. I think Scott will go with me to Sunshine's picnic Saturday. That will be good. Going to church Sunday, all day retreat at Unity Village on Monday, then meeting with Rev. Darlene about my life story on Tuesday... to talk about the "You are the hero of your own story" type of series in August at Unity. I think she might let me share some of my story for it one Sunday during this series. Should be interesting. The story sounds better on some days than on others, that's for sure.
2 comments:
Remember how little you knew about the future and all of the blessings that were coming your way when you were sick and in your darkest hours? That is how little you know now about the future.... Remember our 2nd step. This has all been turned over to the CARE of a power greater than us. It is gonna be ok. We just don't know what "ok" looks like right now.
One thing is certain...you are NOT a "fuckin idiot". You are an intelligent, sober woman who has made a place for herself in this world and is loved by many....your choices are yours. Grace is gonna be proud and lucky to have a mamma that does whatever it takes, even if you have to do it against some odds. Relax and give it to God ....more will be revealed.
Wow, there's nothing to add to what your friend Meg just said.
Come see us all soon, or invite us over to see you.
Luv,
R.
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