Monday, April 29, 2013


I'm back, sort of... I guess I decided to come back and write again, primarily because I am looking at another year before I can move home to Lawrence.  I've made the decision to stick around for another school year, I really like the first-grade teacher that Grace will have, and I just moved into the new place, not looking forward to another large-scale move for a while.   Also, I love working at the school,  so much so that I am looking at taking MORE college classes,  maybe at some point this degree will be finished.

I love living outside of town, even though it is just 1/4 mile outside the city limits.  Still within a mile of the grocery store, the school, my parents.   I love having a view out the huge windows of the fields and the horizon.  Might as well see the positive in having the entire South side of the house covered floor to ceiling with windows.  It's pretty but expensive.  Even in the winter, when it is "supposed" to help heat the house, my energy bills totaled $600.  It was awful.  I can only imagine what Summer bills will be like if I don't do something.  I am putting up some serious light blocking or reflector curtains.  It's been fun to fuss around and decorate and arrange things just so.  As always, my house is messy, but I keep struggling with it on a daily basis.  I have a hard time following routine, establishing positive habits, and following through with anything I consider a chore.  I wasn't exactly schooled in this stuff growing up.  I needed a domestic mentor... like a big brothers/big sisters program, except someone who would teach me how to pick up, keep things neat, feel compelled to do the dishes before bed instead of once a week.    I got the hoarder gene as well, so  it's a hopeless cause.

Enough of that.   I have been resolving lately to stop talking to myself negatively, and there is another example of just that.  I do this with academic endeavors, job searches, and exercise programs also.   So the summary of my decision to stay in Stafford for another year or so is this:  I have some stuff I want to work on, particularly in light of ongoing health problems, (see:  chronic pancreatitis, diabetes)  mood issues (see:  depression, anxiety... stable with meds right now)  parenting issues (see: Grace's education, grandparent time with my parents as their health is sketchy) and wanting to get healthier in all areas.  (See: getting off my ass.) All of these things seem critical, and the idea of trying to juggle all that while trying to find a good job or two, make more money, survive.   Right now that would come at the cost of parenting time, sanity, etc.

As the summer approaches, I started to get really nervous about the possibility of moving us back to Lawrence with the need for a good stable job, possibly some health insurance?  and finding an affordable place to live in a family friendly neighborhood.   It's a big move in those respects, so as much as I would like to run screaming back to the shelter and love of all of my friends up there,  I need to consider the other things also.   I have a couple of friends here... I'm very lonely here and wish there were more social opportunities and closer/more frequent meetings, but it is what it is.   I don't know what I would do if so many of my friends didn't come out to visit regularly...I never imagined that would even be a possibility when I moved out here.  I love having company.

I guess I'm feeling a bit settled at the moment.  I don't want to get lazy and forget to go home, or take the "easy way out" and get stuck here.  I don't want to deal with any guilt when I do decide to go.   I came here thinking I would be able to help my parents out and perhaps help them to get to a place where they could look at moving away from here and being closer to us.  At the very least, it's pretty much crazy that my dad remains 90 minutes away from the VA, where he receives all of his medical treatment.  He has days where I cringe to see him driving, and my mom randomly falls asleep all the time, so she won't drive.

All of these things frustrate me, but I am working so hard to LET IT GO.  As my sponsor said when I moved out here:  You didn't create this situation, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Anyway, suffice it to say that my parents made and continue to make decisions that keep them in the situations that they are in, whether they like where they are or not.  I tell myself daily that I can't let it weigh on me if one or both of them are unhappy,  they have the power to change whatever they want to change.

It's a good day to be off work at 3 pm.  I see the Kindle, a cup of coffee, and me in the lawn chair under my tree for a little while, until my dad remembers I said we would finish assembling Grace's swingset together today after school.


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"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White