Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Lessons, again.

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon, M.D.

Last night's post was written almost exactly 90 minutes before I recieved a phone call that shook the foundation just a bit. It's good that I've survived so much in the past couple of years. It's good that I've learned that depending on where you are in your, dying, reproducing, etc. people will come and go as you need them.

There were many times in the past year that I was disappointed by people who I thought would be there for me. Facing the biggest health crisis I could ever imagine, I made assumptions about who my closest supports were... and those assumptions often were not true.

Some people appeared from nowhere and were incredible, when I least expected it.

Some people were close friends who were otherwise wrapped up in their own stuff, and were just not there, for whatever reasons.

I learned that when all was said and done, I got exactly what I needed, from exactly who I needed it from. And I got a lot more from somewhere inside... strength exists where you might not know it.

And I learned that I had to let go of those expectations of other people, and forgive them if necessary... if I was resentful at what I percieved to be their lack of support.

The path I am on today is very similar, in that I'm surprised and delighted by the unexpected response from certain friends... excitement, support, advice, and plans to be around with me for this crazy miracle journey that the Button is taking me on. I'm overwhelmed, again, by the deep loyalty that the MAIN PLAYERS continue to have for me and the Button. You know, the ones who picked me up off the floor, carted me to and from hospitals, emptied puke buckets, paid the mortgage, etc. Of course those same people are right there beside me on this new journey.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not disappointed, again, that some people just flat out FAIL when it comes to support/friendship/love in these situations. It happened unexpectedly, and thankfully rarely, when I was so sick. And it happens again when I'm thrilled, healthy, and having a baby. Some people just aren't that strong.

For the most part, I surround myself with amazing people. I give my friends and family the benefit of the doubt almost unfailingly, believing that all will work out in the end, and we'll all get what we need from each other at one point or another.

But the truth is that we are all broken in one way or another. We've all been through some shit. As Anne LaMott says... "the only way life works is that not everyone in your tribe is crazy on the same day."

Yesterday one of the big supports crumbled. I wanted to believe in this person, to love him, and to develop a relationship of trust, support, and growth that would benefit both of us, and that would provide a stable core for the circle of support that the Button will grow up with. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to believe that he was strong and dependable and that his sincere effort and desire to build a good life for himself would actually translate into that being a reality for him and for us. Effort and desire are a long way from reality, though.

Women have to be strong. I think in many ways we are stronger than men. I think this is why biologically we end up with the majority of the responsibility in bringing children into this world and then raising them to be good people. I understand that overall, we may alternately fail and succeed at different aspects of this task. But as one of my best Goddesses said yesterday: Once you're a mommy, there will ALWAYS be someone and something much more important for you to focus on than shit like this.

So there it is. I wish I could cry and pout and lay in bed for a few days. I wish I could pitch a fit and have a major depressive incident. Maybe a big dramatic alcoholic relapse. Some "Glenn Close bunny-boiling bitterness and revenge scenario". SOMETHING that would outwardly symbolize the huge disappointment that I feel.

But you know, I'm disappointed but not surprised. I wanted to believe in all these things, but I think I knew. I saw glimpses of the broken parts. I saw glimpses of weakness and failure. And yes, I'm unrealistic if I think that's not the case with anyone.

Unfortunately, anyone who walks into my life has big expectations to live up to, because the people that are already here, occupying space in my life and in my heart, are just fucking fabulous.

It'd be hard for anyone to live up to that. I have too many blessings to count in the area of friends and family. Fortunately for the Button, he/she will come into this world with lots and lots of love already waiting.

It's hard to forgive people who disappoint us. It sucks to believe in someone and realize they just aren't all that. But forgiveness is vital to moving on, and moving on is vital to living fully. So I'll be working on that, soon. The lessons keep coming... I can either choose to learn them or keep repeating them.

Life is changing. Life is good, though. I'm glad I'm here to see it all happen. And I'm glad that there are people who will be happy to sit with me and watch the miracles unfold.


Rikki said...

Can't wait to get my grubby mitts on your button. Hang in there.

Deb said...

You will persevere on this road that the Button is taking you on and it will be faboo.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO thrilled for you. Can't wait to see you on the 17th!
Debi D

fester said...

I need to make a run to the Border. I know exactly what I'm gonna order.
2 tacos, 3 tostadas and a soda pop

gypsy said...

This space is SORELY in need of an update!

Meg Moran said...

amazing post of courage and gratitude. Button will be raised by a village of inspiring people that have only just begun to be assembled. More will be revealed, as the selection process is "fine tuned" (shall we say) by his/her Higher are one awesome mommy.

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White