Monday, March 26, 2007

Finding the balance?

Gratitude is an important part of a good program of recovery and living a good, sober, life. I know this. I just don't like it sometimes. I'd rather whine on some days. Meg Moran wrote a comment after my last post (post-Tim freakout) that my little Button has his/her own higher power, and the process of refining who will be in his/her life is now underway. I really like that thought. It doesn't make it easy, but it's a good thought.

I met my best friend's new girlfriend today, and she seems genuinely nice and down to earth. I think she makes Beck happy, and that's always a good thing. I'll be happy to have her in our lives. I seem to be constantly in question about Tim these days. He just doesn't seem "right" right now, and I can't figure it out, and frankly, I do know that there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I think we're okay one minute, and the next minute he's pushing me away or running in the opposite direction, or has 17 priorities that are more important than me. How can ANYTHING be more important than me????

I know I'm in a self-centered place right now, and I'm doing what I can to not be that way. I hated the fact that some of my friends were so wrapped up in their pregnancies... now I get it. I've been too too wrapped up in my own self for 2 years, and I need to find the balance. I vacillate between knowing that I need to do certain things to take care of myself, and doing too much of those things, or not enough of the RIGHT things. In AA people often say "Do the next right thing", to remind you that you just have to put one foot in front of the other and take care of your responsibilities, and then you won't have to worry so much about whatever is sliding. I like to take one right thing and run with it... like napping. I really really like to nap. Need to clean more, nap less. Need to set up my work priorities in a way that will help me stay on top of things better, and need to keep up with my friends better... I'm just tired and selfish.

But I do have a lot to be grateful for, and maybe concentrating on that will help me to motivate out of the quagmire...
I am totally excited that tomorrow we go to St. Luke's, have genetic counseling and an ultrasound, and Scott (The Godfatha) is going with me.
We get to find out BOY OR GIRL????
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow at work.
I am grateful that I have wonderful and supportive friends and mommy-friends that are helping me and giving me much needed reassurance and advice right now.
I am grateful that Delores is happily puttering around... I love my Taurus!!
I am grateful that Ginger has found some lovely clothes, as well as friends passing on hand-me-down maternity wear... I am not naked, yet!

1 comment:

Rikki said...

I say nap more, clean less. Brewing a baby is exhausting.

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White