Monday, June 05, 2006

Life is good, mostly.

Things have been going pretty well! I sometimes still have a "sleepy day" in which I just sleep an entire day, but that is rare. I am still fighting depression, I think my brain is just now really wrapping itself around the entire trauma of a year of pancreatitis and all the additional organ failure that went along with it. 17 hospitalizations! The last surgery lasted 5 hours and took 6 units of blood, then 2 more units in the following 24 hours because I kept bleeding internally for so long from them digging out all the awful scar tissue fusing my innards together. Is "innards" a word? Anyhoo. For at least 10 of the past 12 months, I had some type of drain or tube or bag attached to me. It's great not to have that anymore. I don't look as creepily thin as I used to. Blue cross paid out way more than $550,000 on me in the past year. I'll never bitch about insurance premiums again, although I hate being in a situation where I am having to pay my own premium of $400 per month, since I didn't have to pay it at all when I was officially a full time employee. Yay for food stamps, I guess. And people that just give me money.

I hate asking for money, but at the end of each month I need to total my bills and then go down the list... parents, biological father in Wichita,Scott, and then Andy. One of my co-workers slipped me $40 on the sly today, and it was the most welcome 40 bucks I've seen in a long time, as I need to go to the grocery store and haven't gotten my Vision card yet for food stamps. Need to get on that, I am just dreading it.
I am already approved for the money, just gotta go to this silly training for idiots to get the card. For any of you who don't know, a huge part of my old job as a service coordinator was to help people apply for and procure food stamps, so I am poutily resentful that I have to go through the training since I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING. Or so I think.

My mom got all jiggy with her catalogs and outlet web sites and had a bunch of summer clothes mailed to me, and my very very dear friend Christina sent me 3 boxes of clothes last week. I am still looking for size 12 shorts if anyone has any in an old dark closet that need a home. My tummy is still swollen enough (and still has THE HOLE)that I need size 12 in the waist, but if it weren't for that I'd definitely be a size 10 or maybe even less. I think some of the weight I have gained recently has gone right for the tummy, which doesn't surprise me, as that is the way my body has always worked. Weight today: 127. Yippee!!! It's good to be back at work more regularly, and I am looking at taking a part time job at another agency potentially to supplement my income. I don't know what will happen. I guess maybe I am getting used to just cruising along with no clue about what will happen next, since that was basically the only way to stay sane during the past year. Pancreatitis can be relatively mild, or very very bad, and I have had both types. This year was very very bad, and pretty much fit the scariest definition of the worst that can happen to you if you get it, barring death. Apparently I was really close to that a few times, it is interesting how people would ALWAYS tell me "You look good", etc. but in reality I looked like hell. And no one would tell me. I had to beg people to help me out by letting me know if I looked yellow when my liver was at it's worst, because no one (except Ginger and Scott) would ever want to "hurt my feelings". That was the one thing I definitely appreciated being told, as it's sometimes hard to see it on yourself. In retrospect, though, I've had a lot of conversations with people who were with me through the worst times, and it's interesting to know at what point they were really scared. Because often when others were really scared about the outcome, I was oblivious and didn't realize how "touch and go" things actually were. My primary care doc and I had this conversation, and he told me that the time that I was at KU Med and got some pneumonia like infection in my lungs in addition to everything else going on, he thought I was a goner. It's weird to hear later what was the hardest on the people supporting me, or when they were particularly worried.

Anyway, that gives you an idea of all of the mental processing I have been doing about this, no wonder I'm fighting depression. But really, I think when your body starts to heal and the CRISIS IS FINALLY OVER, it's pretty okay to have some big emotional baggage that you're dragging around with you that you just had to keep tucked away in a corner of your mind while you were going through the worst of it. (Remember this later, Enarda! We will sell no whine until it's time.)

5 comments:

gypsy said...

I have some summer clothes for you. I'll come by sometime this week with them.
xoxoxoxoxo

Rikki said...

yea! i'm happy you're way way on the mend.

Mom said...

I can't begin to describe what it felt like to be a parent watching you go thru this. It was terrifying! I've only recently felt like I could take a deep breath. It may sound odd but it is almost as if we were traumatized. I'm sure your close friends feel the same way. It was traumatic to go thru. We love you and are so grateful to not only the doctors that pulled your thru this but also to your friends that picked up the slack when we could not be there. We had the privilege to see how much you are loved. Love, Mom

ex-wicked said...

well..ya know i have a ton of summer clothes i cant wear right now, but hope to fit some day. you're welcome to come borrow :) i have been scared at many different points and didnt say anything cuz i didnt want to scare you. i just prayed a lot. i was really terrified during your massive surgery.
i am pretty much bedresting myself these days and i highly recommend Kathy Griffin D-list show on Bravo. she kills!

tanya said...

ah, yes...leave your pride at the door once you get a Vision card, you're lumped in with people who truly can't comprehend the electronic funds transfer mechanism. I was so embarrassed when I was told I had to attend the training session. I kept thinking, "I'm just on hard times, not dumb, unless it comes to choosing boyfriends. Doesn't anyone believe me? Can I test out of this?" No matter, you suffer through and wonder how many people in the room with you are wishing the video would back up, yet again, and explain the whole "PIN" concept one more time. Then you feel shitty for being so mean. Yay, life!

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White