Thursday, August 04, 2005

Intermittent Gravy Dripping

I spent a few days at the spa this week. It was lovely. The service was terrible, the room was hot, and I was rooming with a semi-coherent older lady who kept asking about my weight loss "secret".

I'll tell you, KU Med's 3-Day Malnutrition Luxury Overnight Camp just isn't all it's cracked up to be.

So they convinced me to go ahead and let them put in a feeding tube. Apparently all the cool kids are doing it. The least intrusive option, believe it or not, leaves me with a long white tube hanging out of my nose. I tape it to my cheek and then tuck it behind my ear. Tomorrow I am getting out the "Bedazzler". I think I'll make tassels to hang from it in colors to match all my outfits.

The visiting nurse came today to help me with the pump that pumps the liquid food into the tube. I can eat during the day, and hopefully will be able to eat more and more as the days go by. I think this will only last a week or two, I hope. The nurse looked at me and said... "you know, if you want to go grocery shopping, you should go at 6 in the morning. there's no one in the store then. If you're worried about people staring at you."

Tonight Becky and I went to the Douglas County Fair. I figured I get so much enjoyment out of walking around the fair each year and staring at people, it was time to give something back. No one really paid attention. It didn't even garner me any sympathy shots from the carnie at the baseball game I was playing. A couple of years ago Becky and I walked around the fair with big Kwik shop cups full of beer, laughed at innocent people, and had our picture taken together at a photo booth. We gave it to Andy as a present. It said "Little Angels" We reallly wanted a picture of the two of us and my nose tube, but there was no photo booth this year.

There was a booth of overpriced bracelets, each of which was designated with a disease , and 10% of profits supposedly went to that disease/charity. I walked up and asked if she had a Pancreatitis bracelet. Turns out she did have the purple "Pancreatic Cancer Foundation" bracelet. Weird. Unfortunately I spent my last $50 on "Boost Plus Supplemental Drinks" and was unable to spend $50 on a bracelet. Damn.

After the fair we dropped in at Fester's "band practice" (they were all sitting around talking about what to play) and I popped in the door and said "Look what I got done at the Fair!!", swinging my nose tube from side to side. They all laughed, and I went and sat down on the couch next to Tom. After a few minutes, Tom asked "Is that how that thing is supposed to go?" When I looked at him blankly, he asked "How much did you pay for that?" He thought I really had this done at the Douglas County Fair. That would be a cool booth to open up next year.

Last night was my first night with "The Pump"... I wish it were as exciting as it sounds. It is called "The Kangaroo". I am not sure, but I believe replacement parts may be available at Naughty But Nice. I was reading the instruction manual, and I saw a headline that said "Intermittent Gravy Dripping"... which got me all excited about the possibilities of things I could put in the "Roo" for good eatin'. Turns out it said "Gravity". Oh.


gypsy said...

You were right. I hardly noticed the white and red thing hanging out of your nose. No biggie. Will you be wearing it to Free State on Monday?

The Un-Apologetic Atheist said...

She's right, I thought you looked great, complete with nose-tube. I'm glad I got to meet you at Free State-- sorry I wasn't able to talk with you more. Next Monday I'm actually in town, I'll have to come curtsy for the goddesses again (you'll have to ask Gypsy).

Rikki said...


gayhorrorgeek said...

I love this entry. Sorry about last night. I figured you weren't going when I didn't hear from you, so I took a shower. I didn't realize you had called until later. I wasn't really in the mood anyway. Maybe next week?

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"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White