Check this before sending out chain emails, esp. to me.

I just got an email that said Fwd..fwd..fwd..fwd.fwd--The pledge of allegiance blah blah diddy blah. I realize that I am finishing up day 4 without a cigarette, but hell's bells... this is from a friend who I have specifically ASKED not to send me these crappy forwards. Last week it was a 10 minute power point presentation on Canada, for god's sake. Doesn't anyone have work to do at work anymore? Here's the exerpt from the email I sent back to him.

Since I am no longer in elementary school, there is no place in my daily life that I am required to say the Pledge of Allegiance, at least not yet. Until my right not to say it each morning is taken away, I don't need any email lectures implying that I am not patriotic enough if I don't forward this to at least 10 people within the next 5 minutes.

If it tells you to forward it to 10 people and your wish will come true, find 10 OTHER people... because I will delete your email, spam block your address, and find some liberal-Michael-Moore-loving- ACLU-dues-paying-goddess-worshipping-peace-monger-wiccan-SPELL to cast upon you and cause you 7 years of bad luck, a television that plays only the Fox News Network, a radio stuck on Rush Limbaugh's show, and a world without rainbows, kittens or ice cream.


And with the season upon us, I have a few other requests:

I don't need any reminders that "Jesus is the reason for the season". Suck it. I went to Sunday school. The season is Winter. It's cold. Honor the earth by acknowledging the Winter Solstice. Smile if someone wishes you Merry Christmas, and feel warm and fuzzy inside when you see a bright Menorah. Make an attempt to understand who is celebrating what around the world right now, and during the rest of the year, too.

I refuse to be involved in any type of virtual snowball fight.

I don't care if Santa's reindeer were/are male or female. Just bring on the loot.

No one is sending me a free $50 gift certificate to Chili's or anywhere else.

The FTC does NOT allow cell phone numbers to be given to telemarketers, and you CANNOT register your cell phone number on the Do Not Call Registry. You are wasting your time.

You don't have to sign a petition against bonsaikitten.com... it's a sick hoax, and no one is growing kittens in jars. I promise.

I saw the drunken fruitcake recipe about 6 years ago. I don't need to see it again... been there, made the fruitcake, lost a pancreas. End of story.

The ladies who spray you with perfume at the mall are not terrorists who are trying to anthrax you. They just want to make a buck, and they may be just a wee bit sadistic as they spray you with Britney Spear's "Drool" or J-Lo's "Badonkadonk" perfume.

Another email I don't want to see again...yes, if someone is following you out of the parking garage, drive to someplace well lit and inhabited. Have your keys in your hand when you approach your car. Check your back seat for crying out loud, these things are common sense, and why do we need an email to remind us to do them???
NO one is sending out an email "reminding" people not to drive the wrong way down one way streets, not to apply makeup while driving and talking on the cell phone, not to run stop signs, and that driving a Hummer simply lets us all know you have a really really small penis.

I'm not going to get all upset that Target doesn't invite Salvation Army (a CHURCH, people!!!) to ring bells in front of their stores. I like it. I don't have to feel guilty when I walk by, so don't send me any petitions complaining about this.

I highly doubt that Target and Walmart are dishonoring our veterans or invoking some mad retail hocus pocus by refusing to use the word Christmas, substituting it with "holiday". Whatever. I just want to buy some stuff to give to people, and get out of the store without killing anyone.

Speaking of on line petitions, do you honestly think they are going somewhere or accomplishing anything?

I don't care if you celebrate Christmas, Chanukka, Kwanzaa, or Festivus. I wish you peace and love in this season and all of next year, even if you are Republican.

As for me, my higher power wants me to do two things this holiday season:

1) Refrain from boozing it up, and

2) Do something nice for other people.

Boy, I need a cigarette.