Sunday, July 26, 2009

Being Still.

I seem to spend more time on my Crackberry now than on my computer. I feel compelled to write more, but haven't quite moved in that direction.
Unless I have a lot of other stuff to do.

So today I have a lot to do, including putting boxes together, packing, loading a pickup truck's worth o' crap, and of course, playing with Grace. So far today all I've done is play with Grace and the Crackberry. Damn you, FB & Twitter and Google Reader. I feel like I've even been neglecting my Kindle. Poor thing. It's lonely.

Hoping to get a good solid load of stuff over to S&T's today. I wonder when I will feel moved in enough to call it "my house". I am such a typical astrological Cancer sign... very nesty and such. I need to have a cozy home. This move will afford me and Grace a lot more space, as well as providing G with extra family support, as she thinks they are additional parents, anyway.

Our only regret is leaving our beloved East Lawrence Neighborhood, as we think it's way cooler than the west side. Tree lined streets, the Rose family farm across the street, the baby horsies, quick walk to downtown, lovely shady parks, historic houses, eccentric neighbors, *sigh*. Yeah... Gonna miss it. It will be a goal of mine to get back this way as soon as possible, either renting or owning. We are moving across town from Grace's Andy, and he will have to come visit her because she expects it and demands it.

I don't know where she gets these bossy tendencies. She's a Leo, just like her Aunt Meggity Meg who she shares a birthday with. I think it comes from that.

Anyhoo, the move. It's going to be challenging. I am doing it on a weekday because I need truck and this is the most impossible time to get one, and Grace will be at daycare. 2 major factors for success. The missing factor, however, is people. Everyone has these "jobs", & other people aren't as excited to take a vacation day to help me move as I am. . I am begging Scott to use a day as well. I have 2 other friends available that day. I think I may advertise on Larryville for help. I will use grocery money if necessary... The big furniture has me worried. Well, just the couch, refrigerator, and washer & dryer. And the monstrous television we inherited from G&G that weighs at least 746 pounds. Pre-flat screen. Awkward.

SO it will be interesting to negotiate boundaries as we will be living next door to each other, as well as depending on each other for various help. I am realizing now as Jamie's departure draws closer how much I rely on her for little breaks on more of a daily basis, and S&T only occasionally ask for help. Its going to be a change, that's for sure.

I hate change. Even as I write that I know that change is required on order to grow... Still not quite right with being uncomfortable. It's such a key be accepting of discomfort, as it is the hallmark of change/growth/bad toenails.

I expend way too much mental energy skirting around issues, attempting to make everyone else comfortable or happy. I know that I am often too direct...impulsive, no filters, etc. But on the flip side of that I cannot see the point of not being direct. I truly want to pull my hair out around people who fret & stew and harbor resentments. If I don't know what's wrong, I can't fix it.

And I have not yet reached the promised land...for me that would mean just being myself, trusting that if anyone wants something different they will tell me, and honoring my own sense of rightness and comfort by feeling okay saying "No" without guilt if that is what is necessary.

I have a friend that has told me "no" several times when I have asked her for something. I admire her ability to do this. She knows what works for her and what doesn't, takes responsibility for her own well-being and happiness, and is pleasantly honest regarding what you can expect from her. Because of this, I trust her implicitly. I don't hesitate to ask her for help because I trust that she'll be honest if she can't do it. I hope someday to be more like that.

I read a blog sometimes called The Happiness Project, Anyway, she has a rule called "Be___". In other words, determine what it is to "Be Kalli" and then make it so. I will think about my list of what that means & record it another time. For today I am happy to "be on the couch" , "be still" and savor the post-swimming-pool luxury extra-long nap on a Sunday afternoon.

I'll worry about everything else tomorrow.

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"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time . Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult." --E.B. White