Randomness & Musings

Fuck April.  I'm glad it's over.  It was a crappy month with crappy weather...although May is not looking so hot right now.  freezly & drearpy.   Spring is apparently suffering from erectile dysfunction and just can't get it up.  

Aaaand there you have it.    Just had a wonderful 24 hour vacay to Lawrence/KC for Fleetwood Mac concert. It was a great concert, but more importantly, it was an incredible experience to go on this trip and to the concert with my dad.   It was just a really nice getaway, and we hit a #bucketlist event by going to see Fleetwood Mac.    We had great seats,  by sheer luck... if you can call handicapped seating because my dad can't stand for long and needed a wheelchair and his tremors are getting worse and he may not be able to eat jello ever again Parkinson's madness ...a lucky thing.  Not particularly lucky, but I appreciated the manner in which he was treated by the Sprint Center. They were wonderful and responsive and did everything possible to make it a reality and to have us sit in a place where we could really see everything. 

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow.    Being in Lawrence made me homesick, of course.  I really noticed when we drove through Topeka I had an overwhelming sense of being close to home.  I miss it so much.  It didn't help that everything is green and blooming and lovely up there, while down here on the prairie it's still pretty brown.  We have buds, but they keep getting frozen by the ridiculous weather that we are having. 

Anyway, I was glad to be home to my house as well, I ran in and out of there this morning and felt good being home.   So I guess I have dual citizenship in my heart for my two places to live...each has specific advantages and disadvantages, and I just need to plan and execute regular visits to Lawrence over the next year prior to moving back.   Grace misses her Grandma and Grandpa in KC as well... need to get her in touch via skype or something,

I have several people weighing on my mind,  I miss people in waves.... and my current list includes Megan and Lily, Heather Mac, Wendy, Lydia, and both Andy T and Andy B. 

I make a trip up there just after school is out and make it a priority to see them.  

Glad to be back at school, although the kids said they did NOT miss me.  That's ok... I still like them.   Mostly.

I'm just so damn glad I'm not in middle school.  It's a wonky time.  

Settled

I'm back, sort of... I guess I decided to come back and write again, primarily because I am looking at another year before I can move home to Lawrence.  I've made the decision to stick around for another school year, I really like the first-grade teacher that Grace will have, and I just moved into the new place, not looking forward to another large-scale move for a while.   Also, I love working at the school,  so much so that I am looking at taking MORE college classes,  maybe at some point this degree will be finished.

I love living outside of town, even though it is just 1/4 mile outside the city limits.  Still within a mile of the grocery store, the school, my parents.   I love having a view out the huge windows of the fields and the horizon.  Might as well see the positive in having the entire South side of the house covered floor to ceiling with windows.  It's pretty but expensive.  Even in the winter, when it is "supposed" to help heat the house, my energy bills totaled $600.  It was awful.  I can only imagine what Summer bills will be like if I don't do something.  I am putting up some serious light blocking or reflector curtains.  It's been fun to fuss around and decorate and arrange things just so.  As always, my house is messy, but I keep struggling with it on a daily basis.  I have a hard time following routine, establishing positive habits, and following through with anything I consider a chore.  I wasn't exactly schooled in this stuff growing up.  I needed a domestic mentor... like a big brothers/big sisters program, except someone who would teach me how to pick up, keep things neat, feel compelled to do the dishes before bed instead of once a week.    I got the hoarder gene as well, so  it's a hopeless cause.

Enough of that.   I have been resolving lately to stop talking to myself negatively, and there is another example of just that.  I do this with academic endeavors, job searches, and exercise programs also.   So the summary of my decision to stay in Stafford for another year or so is this:  I have some stuff I want to work on, particularly in light of ongoing health problems, (see:  chronic pancreatitis, diabetes)  mood issues (see:  depression, anxiety... stable with meds right now)  parenting issues (see: Grace's education, grandparent time with my parents as their health is sketchy) and wanting to get healthier in all areas.  (See: getting off my ass.) All of these things seem critical, and the idea of trying to juggle all that while trying to find a good job or two, make more money, survive.   Right now that would come at the cost of parenting time, sanity, etc.

As the summer approaches, I started to get really nervous about the possibility of moving us back to Lawrence with the need for a good stable job, possibly some health insurance?  and finding an affordable place to live in a family friendly neighborhood.   It's a big move in those respects, so as much as I would like to run screaming back to the shelter and love of all of my friends up there,  I need to consider the other things also.   I have a couple of friends here... I'm very lonely here and wish there were more social opportunities and closer/more frequent meetings, but it is what it is.   I don't know what I would do if so many of my friends didn't come out to visit regularly...I never imagined that would even be a possibility when I moved out here.  I love having company.

I guess I'm feeling a bit settled at the moment.  I don't want to get lazy and forget to go home, or take the "easy way out" and get stuck here.  I don't want to deal with any guilt when I do decide to go.   I came here thinking I would be able to help my parents out and perhaps help them to get to a place where they could look at moving away from here and being closer to us.  At the very least, it's pretty much crazy that my dad remains 90 minutes away from the VA, where he receives all of his medical treatment.  He has days where I cringe to see him driving, and my mom randomly falls asleep all the time, so she won't drive.

All of these things frustrate me, but I am working so hard to LET IT GO.  As my sponsor said when I moved out here:  You didn't create this situation, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Anyway, suffice it to say that my parents made and continue to make decisions that keep them in the situations that they are in, whether they like where they are or not.  I tell myself daily that I can't let it weigh on me if one or both of them are unhappy,  they have the power to change whatever they want to change.

It's a good day to be off work at 3 pm.  I see the Kindle, a cup of coffee, and me in the lawn chair under my tree for a little while, until my dad remembers I said we would finish assembling Grace's swingset together today after school.

Om.

Things that make MY kid happy...

Is it still November?  I guess I haven't stayed up with the posting every day thing, but I'm determined not to let that cause me to quit.  I miss writing on a regular basis, so I'm plodding along anyway when the mood strikes.

I can no longer have a conversation that does not include "I saw this thing on Pinterest..."    I'm a hopeless addict, and if I actually crocheted as much or cleaned as much or organized or cooked or sewed or gardened or parented as much as I pin about those things I would be awesome!  insane.

Anyhoo... I read an article today ON THE INTERNET about 10 things to do to make your kid happy... I think if you don't know these things yourself you probably should re-think the whole parenting thing.  But I also realized that some of what this woman wrote would apply to me and my kid, but other things would take more precedence.   So I thought I'd make my own personal list of what makes MY kid happy.  And then I can re-read that when I need some parenting advice.

1.   Getting out of the bath to be dried off and "wrapped up like a burrito" in her towel by me.   I used to fret that she wasn't independent enough  and needed to dress, undress, and dry off by herself.   She does do all of those things by herself, but she is thrilled if I spend the time rolling her up, squeezing her dry, tickling her, and rocking her like a baby.  

2.  Singing her lullabies, especially made up, funny ones.   At 5 years old, she's often got one foot on the independent and "big girl" side of things, and one foot wanting to re-live being a baby.  She loves to hear stories about herself as a tiny baby, see her tiny preemie clothes, hear lullabies I sang to her, and to be picked up and carried to bed.     It's REALLY hard for me to pick her up and carry her to bed, it's never been particularly easy but now at 50 pounds it's almost impossible.

3.  Picking her up even a little bit early from her afterschool program to do something special.

4. Actually, special dates with anyone she loves are a big hit for her.  She is very territorial about her people, as well, I've noticed it with adult friends and certain people from church or around town

5.  She loves to chat up the people in the store,  doesn't matter which store.  One of the nicer things about living in a small town is that she is known by name at the grocery store and the ice cream store and both restaurants.   Not yet by law enforcement, though.  Knock on wood.

6.  When I read to her without expectation of her reading part of the story.  She likes to read, but sometimes she's very clear about wanting ME to read THIS book to her.  I have to temper my excitement about her emerging literacy skills lest I freak her out and miss out on the eventual joy of each of us sitting in our own corners reading our books.

7.  When I tell her a story "from my own imagination".  I don't know where this started, but she asks for it almost every night, and some nights it's hard to come up with a great story, other nights I'm completely impressed with myself.   Last night's story even ended with a rhyme.

8.  Making phone calls on her own.  Her phone skills are slooooowly improving, but she really likes to be given permission to pick up the phone and dial whoever she wants.

9.  Taking pictures:  again, with my phone...sometimes I let her take it away for a while on a "photography expedition" and when she comes back we look at the pictures and she tells me what they are or why she took them.   It gets pretty interesting sometimes.

10.  "Writing" her own songs.  She composes some awesome/awful music, depending on your taste.  Her current hit favorite includes the phrase "My heart is staring at you"  and "yeah yeah" and "baby baby" repeated numerous times with changing inflection and volume.   Frankly, the song creeps me out.   But she loooves to sing and dance for an audience... she wouldn't make it in the pageant world, though, because she does not take feedback or direction well and insists on frequent video taping and review sessions.

So I told her I'd come and get her early today,  I think we'll take advantage of the weather to have a picture taking expedition around the neighborhood.

 

2 sites of the same crap?

Somehow I've ended up with 2 separate blogs, both essentially saying the same thing.  One is www.kallipalooza.blogspot.com  
YOU ARE HERE  ><


The other is www.kallisanders.blogspot.com

Regardless, they are both theregjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkjhhhtuuuuuuuuuuujjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttbhbbgttbtrgbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtr53                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            yuuh

ooops. Fell asleep. again.  at 10:30 pm.   Anyhoo, they are both intended to be the same, but I like each one's design for different reasons.  I have no idea why.

The past week's worth of NOVEMBER posts is over there at www.kallisanders.blogspot.com.

My thoughts on Sandy...

 A blog post in which I say suck/sucky/suckier/  as much as possible.

1.   People who decided to "wait it out" and forced emergency crews to risk their lives to come get their asses when they should have left in the first place should receive a hefty bill in the mail.   What makes me think of things like this?     I once worked for a woman who was a quadriplegic, after a car accident in which she slid off an icy off-ramp.  She swore that the highway department sent her a bill for the guardrails she damaged.     I don't know.  It all sucks.

2.  Sadness and tragedy sound so much more poignant in a New York or New Jersey accent.

3.  The telethon was sad sad sad.   The videos were heartbreaking, but what really sticks with me at this moment is who WAS the "other" guy who was singing on stage with Steven Tyler, Jimmy Fallon, Bruce Springsteen, and Billy Joel.  He was on a mic with Bruce.  Who WAS that?  All the google searches said "Fallon, Springsteen, Joel, Tyler, and others." Sometimes Google sucks.  Someone help me out here.

4.  Matt Lauer has lost a lot of hair.

5.  Damn, I wish I could say I had lovely memories of visiting the Jersey Shore & boardwalk,  something beyond "I saw it on Beaches".

6.  I think if I lived there even if I didn't lose a damn thing I would still just have to sit down and cry thinking about how much CLEANING has to be done.  Cleaning sucks.  And have you ever tried to get sand out of your house when someone tracks it in from the beach?   I can't imagine dealing with the amount of sand Sandy tracked in.  Hey! "Sandy".  Get it? 

7.  I think a lot of weather reporters have PTS(andy)D from this, they were in way over their heads.  Almost literally.

8.  I wish I had a kid's address in NY or NJ... I'd send them 90 % of the candy my daughter hauled home from trick or treating... and I really did feel sad that there were a lot of kids totally wrecked about whatever else they may have lost, but also, no trick or treating? That sucks too.

9.  I'm glad they cancelled the NY Marathon.  Seems all that running energy could be put to good use around there.

10.  I'm very grateful that Obama seems to be making such a good impression in his support of Gov. Christie and whoever,  but I'm scared to death that people who just lost their homes or pets or trees or cars or childhood memories may have a little more on their plate than making the effort to get to a polling place on Tuesday.  Not to mention how hard is it to get from point A to point B at this time?  I don't have any real frame of reference so I'm just sitting here in the middle of Kansas, casting a vote that won't matter due to the electoral system, and worrying about how people will manage to vote.

 I will tell you, though, that I'm going to vote SO HARD on Tuesday.  Hurricane Sandy & all the damage sucked/sucks big-time.   Imagine how much suckier it would be with Mittens at the helm. 

November Stuff

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I despise the whole Movember thing,  men pretending that by not shaving for 30 days they are heightening awareness for men's health issues.  Whatever. I'm sure I'm oversimplifying the whole thing, but it really comes down to the fact that I don't know any men who look better with facial hair than without it.   Seriously.

So I thought about not shaving my legs for the entire month of November, but realized it would actually be more notable if I did shave them at all during the month.  November is like my vacation month... the torture of shaving my legs all. damn. summer. is finally over and I can sit back and relax and grow some leg hair.

I've seen lots of women posting 30 days of gratitude on Facebook.  That's nice.   One year I made a gratitude list of all that I was thankful for in pictures.   That was fun.  Maybe I'll throw some pictures into the mix. I'm grateful my kid has grown a foot in the past two years. And she's still cute.

I'd also like to walk every day in November.  I really need to get moving.  Movember.  Wait, that's already taken by the non-shaving men.

Anyway, as I sit here typing into the silence that is now my blog, I think I'll try NaBloPoMo or whatever it is, and actually write a bit each day.  And post it.   We'll see.

On that note, I did not walk today, but I vacuumed, which is far more challenging.  I didn't shave my legs, and I'm grateful for friends who are willing to drive 4 (or 5) hours out here to visit us.   My old old friend Wendy, (she's older than me) brought her 6 year old daughter out and we fully intend to let the girls amuse each other, boss each other, get into whatever they want, make messes and run wild, as long as they leave us alone while we play on our respective electronic devices and watch funny things on tv and talk late into the night, tonight it's looking like we might make it to 11. 

Untitled, a photo by kallisanders on Flickr.

storm clouds.

North, South, or Crazy?

Tonight we had dinner at a local restaurant “The Gathering Place” for my parent’s 37^th wedding anniversary.  Grace loves to eat at this restaurant, and knows her way around quite well.   She finished her “mini corn dogs” that I ordered for her, and when she decided she wanted more she went directly to the owner and cook, Jan, and asked for more mini corn dogs, please.   Obviously there is no reason to ask Mama for something when you know how to get it directly.     She excused herself to go to the ladies room shortly after that, and felt comfortable enough to leave the door to the bathroom wide open and to sing a loud song that went something like this: “Going to the bathroom is fun! Going to the bathroom is fun!  I’m going to the bathroom! It’s fun!”     I think the majority of the diners really liked the song.  

North, South, or Crazy?   Tomorrow I’m “volunteering” at an assisted living facility where I am applying to be an Activity (Life Enrichment) Coordinator.  Tomorrow basically serves as a 3^rd interview, in which I can hopefully demonstrate my ability to work with the team and interact appropriately with the men and women who live there.  Truthfully, I’m bored to tears not working, spending way too much time listening to the new Fresh Beat Band album (thanks, Uncle Scott) and the days are starting to blend into each other… so I’m thrilled to go spend the day hanging out with the older folks and getting a clearer picture of what the job will entail.   Hopefully it will be much more than macaroni art and Bingo.     Even if they don’t end up hiring me, it’s a day out doing something worthwhile, and I am more than ready to do that.    

I have a crush on another job in another town, as well, each of the two jobs’ pros and cons seem directly proportionate to each other, which would make for a difficult decision on the off-chance that both places offered a job at the exact same moment next week.  I’m assuming that won’t happen, and that circumstances and the universe will push me in the direction I need to be headed.  North or South? That is the question.

 The third option is Crazy, which is exactly where I will be headed if something doesn’t happen soon.   In the meanwhile I’m putting one foot in front of the other, pinning way too much stuff on Pinterest, and crocheting/decoupaging/spray-painting anything I can get my hands on.     

After having some miraculous dental work performed in Bartlesville, OK last week I  was sort of high on valium when I left my friend’s house to get on the road after a nap,  I proceeded to make my bed and bury my Kindle and my electronic cigarette in the blankets on the bed prior to leaving. So I’m being forced to read books made out of paper, and I have to TURN THE PAGES.   

The upside of all of that is the great front tooth drama that has plagued me for 10 years is now over, with a brand spanking new implant in the front of my mouth as well as a bunch of other stuff taken care of… and all because I know someone really nice who knows someone really nice and once again, I’m getting a crazy break that I don’t deserve in order to get the work done.    Another friend helped me clean my closet and bedroom, which is a feat that few have attempted through the years and there should be a plaque somewhere with this few good womens’ names on it.  You know who you are HeatherTriciaMarla,  and that’s just in the past 10 years.  I’m pretty sure there were others who went before these fine women, I do believe they made it out alive, but I’m not sure where they are now.  I am blessed also to be able to call my old high-school English teacher a friend, she’s been a sounding board and support and if someone had told me in high school that we’d be friends today I would have laughed. I have even reached the point that I can call her by her first name.  That takes my list of local friends up to THREE! 

So despite my best attempts at sounding pitiful and alone out here on the prairie, I’m blessed and fortunate and have way more generosity and grace in my life than I deserve.  I would also like to mention that it’s always nice to hear on Facebook that old friends may be visiting in the area soon, but not when that friend is a Tornado/storm chaser who is coming out this direction tomorrow evening.  I hope he has safe travels and all, but preferable a few counties away from here.   In the meanwhile I’m getting our bike helmets and flashlights ready.  Don’t worry, I’ll have the laptop in the closet or basement with me if it comes down to it.

Dream.

Last night I had a dream that Andy and I were at a huge party downtown, and there was a big ice chest there the size of a swimming pool.  In the ice chest was ice and beer.  Lots and lots of beer…thousands of cans. 

I asked Andy if I could have a diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale, and he went to his car and got a warm 12 pack of it.

I got really pissed off because everyone else got to drink the cold, cold beer and I had a warm ginger ale.

What do you think that means?

I'm only 4 years old.

1.       I can’t.

2.       I’m tired.

3.       I have something in my nose and I need to get it out.

4.       I can’t pick up if the TV is off.

5.       If you leave the TV off I’m not going to pick up.

6.       I need help.

7.       I can’t do it by myself. 

8.       I’m tired.

9.       I don’t like you.

10.   I'm only 4 years old.

What are:  Reasons Grace won’t pick up the trash in her play-room.

Instapoetry

It was the day we laughed so hard
we made the black tulips bloom

I was four
it was stormy

we were running like cats
a game of statue
happiness all balled up in our lips
shooting out of us in shrieks and bellows

I'm a porcupine
she declared

and I decided I was too

a kind porcupine
with nothing to do
but chase the wind

they say it whips you in the face
but this isn’t how it works
if you run hard enough
the wind bores right into you

I don’t remember anything else
except the smell of the weeds
sweet as chocolate

the wind carried the rest away.

 http://bentlily.com/instapoems