Boys Suck.

TGIF

Hey, I know what would be fun... if I just responded to my comments. Here ya go...

Anonymous said...
I'm grateful that you are having a girl. They are so much more fun to dress! Deb
1:18 PM

Yes, HELLO KITTY, here we come!!

Rikki said...
Yay! That's the spirit. Dibs on holding the baby (after they wipe the goo off, of course).
8:17 AM

Jeez, there's goo involved? Ick.

Mom said...
I'm so glad it's a girl also. Besides being fun to dress and spoil, I can chuckle to myself that you are finally going to get what you deserve. A boy would not have given me nearly as much revenge. I can't wait for the teen years!!!
5:10 AM

What the hell are you doing up at that hour of the night??? Anyway, Mom, I know you're looking forward to the teen years, and we'll be sure to visit you real often in the nursing home to let you know how it's going.

Meg Moran said...
I need one of those bracelets......sooooo, lay on the couch, be grateful for the little meg-a-bun (get it? the meg part?) and pray for Mr. Difficult. If you have to, just pray he has a hat the day his hair all falls out.
12:37 PM

This is the BEST comment, by far... Little did you know, Meg, that he's already bald. Hee!! So... here's my take on this for now... Resentment
From p. 552 Big Book, Freedom from bondage

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”
It worked for me then and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it too always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, “The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.”
…. When I get what I need, I invariably find that it was just what I wanted all the time.

So... I hate that part of the book. Hate it, hate it, hate it. However, it does seem to help, as much as I hate it. Sometimes I pray for the willingness just to not kill someone, but hey, it's a start. Regardless, my obsession seems to be lifting, and I'm feeling pretty steady today, thanks to some good meetings, some good girlfriends, and chocolate.

A Complaint Free World.org

Wow, I just love Wednesdays.

I'm trying extra hard today to maintain a positive attitude and not to complain about anything, since Oprah had some dude on yesterday that was giving away these "A Complaint Free World.Org" bracelets. You wear one, and try to go 21 days without complaining. If you complain, you must switch the bracelet to the other wrist, and your 21 days starts over.

I think I'll git me one of them. In the meanwhile, I'm practicing.

I am so grateful that even though my car won't start today, she is parked safely in my driveway until I can get some help in figuring out what is wrong with her.

I am grateful that I have remote access to log in to work from home, so I am not losing any productivity time while stuck at home. (Except for this post...)

I am thrilled that even when I just feel like laying on the couch, I can at least say that I am working hard to grow a little person inside me, and particularly loving the fact that it's a little girly girl. She's going to be sooo damn cute, by the way. I can feel it. Especially the cute way she has of laying her little head on my bladder.

I am grateful that I'm given the opportunity to grow and learn each day... lessons come from everywhere, even from the increasingly apparent misjudgement I seem to have about MEN in my life. Or one in particular. He's not okay, he's behaving abhorrently, and it's providing me with such a great learning opportunity for when I meet Mr. Wonderful.

I am very thankful that I have gotten to some very good AA meetings lately. I don't always want to hear what is said, but I need to hear it, apparently. It's also wonderful to have people around who totally "get" it.

I am looking forward to seeking out the company of some of my favorite women tonight... it's time to hear what's happening in their worlds, and not focus so much on my own stuff.

I have a work meeting this afternoon that I'm looking forward to... lots of good positive renewed energy is surrounding work right now, and it's exactly where I need to be focused.

I also must say that I love maternity pants. So soft, forgiving, and comfy. Elastic is good. I never want to wear anything else. I am also grateful that I am a body size right now that works for getting the hand-me-downs. A couple of years ago I would have been searching for fat lady maternity clothes, size 18+. Now I can wear the clothes that my size 10-12 friends are passing along. Of course, had all of this happened a couple of years ago, I'd have a completely different and less healthy basis for all of this. I am soooo happy that while not all of my shit is together, at least some of the major parts are in place.

Click for pics

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Finding the balance?

Gratitude is an important part of a good program of recovery and living a good, sober, life. I know this. I just don't like it sometimes. I'd rather whine on some days. Meg Moran wrote a comment after my last post (post-Tim freakout) that my little Button has his/her own higher power, and the process of refining who will be in his/her life is now underway. I really like that thought. It doesn't make it easy, but it's a good thought.

I met my best friend's new girlfriend today, and she seems genuinely nice and down to earth. I think she makes Beck happy, and that's always a good thing. I'll be happy to have her in our lives. I seem to be constantly in question about Tim these days. He just doesn't seem "right" right now, and I can't figure it out, and frankly, I do know that there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I think we're okay one minute, and the next minute he's pushing me away or running in the opposite direction, or has 17 priorities that are more important than me. How can ANYTHING be more important than me????

I know I'm in a self-centered place right now, and I'm doing what I can to not be that way. I hated the fact that some of my friends were so wrapped up in their pregnancies... now I get it. I've been too too wrapped up in my own self for 2 years, and I need to find the balance. I vacillate between knowing that I need to do certain things to take care of myself, and doing too much of those things, or not enough of the RIGHT things. In AA people often say "Do the next right thing", to remind you that you just have to put one foot in front of the other and take care of your responsibilities, and then you won't have to worry so much about whatever is sliding. I like to take one right thing and run with it... like napping. I really really like to nap. Need to clean more, nap less. Need to set up my work priorities in a way that will help me stay on top of things better, and need to keep up with my friends better... I'm just tired and selfish.

But I do have a lot to be grateful for, and maybe concentrating on that will help me to motivate out of the quagmire...
I am totally excited that tomorrow we go to St. Luke's, have genetic counseling and an ultrasound, and Scott (The Godfatha) is going with me.
We get to find out BOY OR GIRL????
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow at work.
I am grateful that I have wonderful and supportive friends and mommy-friends that are helping me and giving me much needed reassurance and advice right now.
I am grateful that Delores is happily puttering around... I love my Taurus!!
I am grateful that Ginger has found some lovely clothes, as well as friends passing on hand-me-down maternity wear... I am not naked, yet!

Lessons, again.

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon, M.D.

Last night's post was written almost exactly 90 minutes before I recieved a phone call that shook the foundation just a bit. It's good that I've survived so much in the past couple of years. It's good that I've learned that depending on where you are in your life...living, dying, reproducing, etc. people will come and go as you need them.

There were many times in the past year that I was disappointed by people who I thought would be there for me. Facing the biggest health crisis I could ever imagine, I made assumptions about who my closest supports were... and those assumptions often were not true.

Some people appeared from nowhere and were incredible, when I least expected it.

Some people were close friends who were otherwise wrapped up in their own stuff, and were just not there, for whatever reasons.

I learned that when all was said and done, I got exactly what I needed, from exactly who I needed it from. And I got a lot more from somewhere inside... strength exists where you might not know it.

And I learned that I had to let go of those expectations of other people, and forgive them if necessary... if I was resentful at what I percieved to be their lack of support.

The path I am on today is very similar, in that I'm surprised and delighted by the unexpected response from certain friends... excitement, support, advice, and plans to be around with me for this crazy miracle journey that the Button is taking me on. I'm overwhelmed, again, by the deep loyalty that the MAIN PLAYERS continue to have for me and the Button. You know, the ones who picked me up off the floor, carted me to and from hospitals, emptied puke buckets, paid the mortgage, etc. Of course those same people are right there beside me on this new journey.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not disappointed, again, that some people just flat out FAIL when it comes to support/friendship/love in these situations. It happened unexpectedly, and thankfully rarely, when I was so sick. And it happens again when I'm thrilled, healthy, and having a baby. Some people just aren't that strong.

For the most part, I surround myself with amazing people. I give my friends and family the benefit of the doubt almost unfailingly, believing that all will work out in the end, and we'll all get what we need from each other at one point or another.

But the truth is that we are all broken in one way or another. We've all been through some shit. As Anne LaMott says... "the only way life works is that not everyone in your tribe is crazy on the same day."

Yesterday one of the big supports crumbled. I wanted to believe in this person, to love him, and to develop a relationship of trust, support, and growth that would benefit both of us, and that would provide a stable core for the circle of support that the Button will grow up with. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to believe that he was strong and dependable and that his sincere effort and desire to build a good life for himself would actually translate into that being a reality for him and for us. Effort and desire are a long way from reality, though.

Women have to be strong. I think in many ways we are stronger than men. I think this is why biologically we end up with the majority of the responsibility in bringing children into this world and then raising them to be good people. I understand that overall, we may alternately fail and succeed at different aspects of this task. But as one of my best Goddesses said yesterday: Once you're a mommy, there will ALWAYS be someone and something much more important for you to focus on than shit like this.

So there it is. I wish I could cry and pout and lay in bed for a few days. I wish I could pitch a fit and have a major depressive incident. Maybe a big dramatic alcoholic relapse. Some "Glenn Close bunny-boiling bitterness and revenge scenario". SOMETHING that would outwardly symbolize the huge disappointment that I feel.

But you know, I'm disappointed but not surprised. I wanted to believe in all these things, but I think I knew. I saw glimpses of the broken parts. I saw glimpses of weakness and failure. And yes, I'm unrealistic if I think that's not the case with anyone.

Unfortunately, anyone who walks into my life has big expectations to live up to, because the people that are already here, occupying space in my life and in my heart, are just fucking fabulous.

It'd be hard for anyone to live up to that. I have too many blessings to count in the area of friends and family. Fortunately for the Button, he/she will come into this world with lots and lots of love already waiting.

It's hard to forgive people who disappoint us. It sucks to believe in someone and realize they just aren't all that. But forgiveness is vital to moving on, and moving on is vital to living fully. So I'll be working on that, soon. The lessons keep coming... I can either choose to learn them or keep repeating them.

Life is changing. Life is good, though. I'm glad I'm here to see it all happen. And I'm glad that there are people who will be happy to sit with me and watch the miracles unfold.

Crazy Train... click for pics

I've decided to start making mix CD's for the Button... Maybe I'll play them for him in utero, to get him used to the crazy before he gits here. I keep saying "he". I don't know that to be true. It might be a "she".

I am no longer hoping for one or the other, I honestly just want one with a small head. It's what my vagina would want, if she could talk.

I've asked Fester to make a CD of himself playing guitar and singing lullabyes... or whatever he considers to be appropriately close to lullabies. That oughta be interesting. Uncle Andy's Lullaby CD. This may be a best seller, who knows? The Godfatha, Scott, is going to teach the Button all about running, farting, and coin collecting. He will definitely be the "pull my finger" uncle.

My first trimester mix CD will contain some Ozzy Osbourne, of course, and maybe some Five for Fighting "History Starts Now" or whatever that song is. And Gnarles Barkely, "Crazy". and something about miracles and rainbows, I'm sure. Need to find some Bob Denver for that.
Oops, I mean JOHN Denver. Not Gilligan. Pregnancy makes you stupid. Did you know that?

Next week I'll be officially in the second trimester. Yippee!! They say it's much easier than the first, and since the first has been so unbelievably easy physically (it's all relative after my crazy past couple of years, you know.) I figure that the only way for the second trimester to get any easier would be if I win the lottery. That would solve a few things.

I'd hire someone to clean my freakin' house, or possibly just leave it behind and start over in another, cleaner house. In a better school district. That makes me giggle. Who'da thought??

I went to Stafford for Gammie's 85th birthday and told her of my impending virgin birth... she didn't buy that one. WhatEVER. She seems happy, although with raised eyebrows. She has no idea what I can do on my own... not that I got this way on my own, but I'm pretty comfortable with my ability to take it from here and do just fine. One day at a time and all that shit.

From one of my favorite meditations:

Now is a turning point. If you choose to open your heart, miracles will unfold. Later, you'll see more. You'll see how it worked out. How it needed to be just so.

And there you have it.