Warning: the following entry makes broad, sweeping, possibly bullshit assumptions about women, and may as well be avoided by boys.
Women close to my age can be divided into 2 groups. Tampon or Pad. Among the tampon users, we are each fairly loyal to our own preferred "type", mainly the flower shaped, plastic applicator Playtex, the cylindrical/cardboard applicator Tampax, and the earth friendly/no applicator OB. I'm not a pad user, never have been, so I'll skip making assumptions about them.
Most of the women I know who use OB tend to have a streak of crunchy granola running through them, either that or they just really like to get their fingers involved in the process. Space in the purse might also be a consideration. I don't know of any specific personality issues related to the Tampax vs. Playtex side of things, except to say that we are all very set in our ways when it comes to this... I don't know of woman who switches back and forth, but feel free to share!
You may be wondering why I've been thinking about this so much lately? Well, the last period I had was around May 10th of last year. So that is more than a year without a period. Yet another indicator of how deathly ill I have been, I guess? So where is it now? I guess I don't weigh enough or something. I am holding at 120 right now, and struggling to get back up to 125 when I really need to be at least 135. What a fucked up thing, to be struggling to GAIN weight.
So regarding the period. I don't really miss it. I've certainly had other stuff to deal with and I can't look back and think of a single month in the past year that having it would not have added one more straw to the camel's back. However, at nearly 37 years old, it seems a tad early to be done with this phase of my life. On the other hand, I am not in any position to procreate so perhaps I should table this one worry and go obsess on something else.
. . . . Random thoughts about nothing in particular, executed with alternating fits of bitchiness and/or sentimentality.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Turnaround!
I feeeeeeellllll good! Wow... I've had such a turnaround in the past week... renewed energy and a feeling of just being... well, normal again? It's hard, after a year of such intense sickness to remember what normal felt like, but I am pretty confident that I am seeing glimpses of it now, and I know that it's definitely around the corner. I have no tubes or bags attached to my body, I am improving at making it in to work and being productive, I've been thinking about doing some housework... (wait. That is not normal for me). Okay, I still have a pretty ugly hole in my middle... it's about the size of a small lemon, and it's open and shows the stomach muscle, but it is slowly growing together. I keep it bandaged with wet gauze that I change 3 times a day. Ick. Ya'll are lucky I can't seem to put my hands on a digital camera at this moment, or you'd be getting a fine glimpse of it right now. Don't worry, I'm still working on that.
Monday, May 08, 2006
How much DOES it take?
I went to an AA meeting tonight... it was the first one I've been to in a loooong time and it was good. It was about ANGER. I realized that I hadn't even realized I was pissed until thinking about it tonight.
I am coming up on that one year anniversary of SOBRIETY, and thinking about what a helluva year it's been. Once when I was in the hospital one nurse's aide was explaining to another about my illness, and said that it was at least partly due to alcohol consumption. Both girls then started asking me questions... they wanted to know "How Much did I drink? How Often? What?" it was obvious that they were doing that little mental comparison that we all know so well... "how much can I get away with before I get really sick, or get a DUI, or lose my job, or whatever?"
I used to make such comparisons... Well, at least I don't drink THAT much. Anyway, what I finally said to those girls, and I cried tonight as I shared it at the meeting, was that I didn't drink enough to deserve all that has happened in the past year. And I realized that I am really really pissed off about that. No one else that I know had their lives come to a grinding halt due to some weird-ass internal organ failure that no one outside of the medical community even understands or hears about. It's complicated and mysterious and requires far more explanation than many other catastrophic illnesses, not that I'm not grateful. Cause I am...
Anyway, I still got all teary tonight and said "I just didn't deserve this." So I feel like now that my body is VERY close to being through the healing process, my mind has kicked in with all of it's baggage... anger, fear, resentment. I have spent a good portion of the past year beating myself up. Lots of "If onlys". If I had stopped drinking in 2001 the first time I got sick. If I had taken my cholesterol medication. At the same time, I resent the anyone else implying that I made this choice, because I certainly didn't...that's half of what is so frustrating about not knowing EXACTLY what caused this to happen... unfortunately, I could do everything right from now on and still have a higher chance of another bout of panreatis, with the little bit of pancreas I have left. I also could have done everything right way back when and still had all of this happen to me. I like to think that alcohol was the biggest contributing factor, cause then all I have to do to be safe is NOT drink,right? Unfortunately none of it is that clear.
Anyway, it's weird to be approaching that one year sobriety birthday. It's May 12, and not a date I chose for myself, but it was chosen for me by the brutal rebellion that my pancreas embarked on that day. I am glad I did not know how bad it would get, how relentlessly sick I would stay for such a long time. I think/hope/pray that it's almost over.
On the up side of this, I was trying to think of other ways in which my life is better without alcohol. I feel more clear headed generally speaking, I don't ever have to worry about getting a DUI or going to jail, I am not throwing money away everynight on booze, I am keeping up with responsibilities more... although I do have some resolutions to live up to like getting on a more normal sleep schedule, working more routine hours, returning phone calls, going to meetings, and cleaning the house.
I also realize that if it hadn't been for the illness this past year, I would have had no clue how many people care about me and have gone so far above and beyond to help me out. Unfortunately, the financial worries are far from over, but Andy is planning another fund raiser in July, which is wonderful, as I expect to be flat ass broke by then. I don't get the impression that the opportunities for full time work at my old rate of pay are going to be possible for a few months. It sucks, but I am grateful to have anything right now, esp. the health insurance.
This week I am going to write thank you notes that desperately need to be written. Maybe that will perk me up.
I am coming up on that one year anniversary of SOBRIETY, and thinking about what a helluva year it's been. Once when I was in the hospital one nurse's aide was explaining to another about my illness, and said that it was at least partly due to alcohol consumption. Both girls then started asking me questions... they wanted to know "How Much did I drink? How Often? What?" it was obvious that they were doing that little mental comparison that we all know so well... "how much can I get away with before I get really sick, or get a DUI, or lose my job, or whatever?"
I used to make such comparisons... Well, at least I don't drink THAT much. Anyway, what I finally said to those girls, and I cried tonight as I shared it at the meeting, was that I didn't drink enough to deserve all that has happened in the past year. And I realized that I am really really pissed off about that. No one else that I know had their lives come to a grinding halt due to some weird-ass internal organ failure that no one outside of the medical community even understands or hears about. It's complicated and mysterious and requires far more explanation than many other catastrophic illnesses, not that I'm not grateful. Cause I am...
Anyway, I still got all teary tonight and said "I just didn't deserve this." So I feel like now that my body is VERY close to being through the healing process, my mind has kicked in with all of it's baggage... anger, fear, resentment. I have spent a good portion of the past year beating myself up. Lots of "If onlys". If I had stopped drinking in 2001 the first time I got sick. If I had taken my cholesterol medication. At the same time, I resent the anyone else implying that I made this choice, because I certainly didn't...that's half of what is so frustrating about not knowing EXACTLY what caused this to happen... unfortunately, I could do everything right from now on and still have a higher chance of another bout of panreatis, with the little bit of pancreas I have left. I also could have done everything right way back when and still had all of this happen to me. I like to think that alcohol was the biggest contributing factor, cause then all I have to do to be safe is NOT drink,right? Unfortunately none of it is that clear.
Anyway, it's weird to be approaching that one year sobriety birthday. It's May 12, and not a date I chose for myself, but it was chosen for me by the brutal rebellion that my pancreas embarked on that day. I am glad I did not know how bad it would get, how relentlessly sick I would stay for such a long time. I think/hope/pray that it's almost over.
On the up side of this, I was trying to think of other ways in which my life is better without alcohol. I feel more clear headed generally speaking, I don't ever have to worry about getting a DUI or going to jail, I am not throwing money away everynight on booze, I am keeping up with responsibilities more... although I do have some resolutions to live up to like getting on a more normal sleep schedule, working more routine hours, returning phone calls, going to meetings, and cleaning the house.
I also realize that if it hadn't been for the illness this past year, I would have had no clue how many people care about me and have gone so far above and beyond to help me out. Unfortunately, the financial worries are far from over, but Andy is planning another fund raiser in July, which is wonderful, as I expect to be flat ass broke by then. I don't get the impression that the opportunities for full time work at my old rate of pay are going to be possible for a few months. It sucks, but I am grateful to have anything right now, esp. the health insurance.
This week I am going to write thank you notes that desperately need to be written. Maybe that will perk me up.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
The Recluse...
Wow... another weekend of not answering the phone and being generally reclusive. I spent the night at Scott and Terri's on Friday night, then slept til 3:30 the next day at their house... I came home to my couch for a nap after that. Got a restful night's sleep, but was pukey this morning for no apparent reason, so I had to take another couple of naps. This evening I napped through the Sopranos.
I have what may possibly be my last regular appt. with Dr. Reese, the surgeon on Tuesday. I can't wait, because I am ready to get rid of this Wound V.A.C. thing... my stomach wound vacuum.
It's not that bad compared with some of the crap I have dealt with in the past year,but it sure is a pain in the rump to carry the vacuum pump around all the time. It is comparable to carrying an extra heavy radio alarm clock around. It's not that small and it's not that light. Plus there's the lovely tube coming out of my stomach to the machine that must be minimized with the right fashion accessories. I also still have the J-tube in place, but I am not using it at all. I am eating by mouth and gaining weight... 124!! So I want that J-tube out and I am ready to just cut the dang thing out myself right now. It's irritated and painful.
I am hoping that both of these things can happen on Tuesday and I can then start to force myself back into the land of the living. I apologize to everyone who called this weekend...I was napping.
I have what may possibly be my last regular appt. with Dr. Reese, the surgeon on Tuesday. I can't wait, because I am ready to get rid of this Wound V.A.C. thing... my stomach wound vacuum.
It's not that bad compared with some of the crap I have dealt with in the past year,but it sure is a pain in the rump to carry the vacuum pump around all the time. It is comparable to carrying an extra heavy radio alarm clock around. It's not that small and it's not that light. Plus there's the lovely tube coming out of my stomach to the machine that must be minimized with the right fashion accessories. I also still have the J-tube in place, but I am not using it at all. I am eating by mouth and gaining weight... 124!! So I want that J-tube out and I am ready to just cut the dang thing out myself right now. It's irritated and painful.
I am hoping that both of these things can happen on Tuesday and I can then start to force myself back into the land of the living. I apologize to everyone who called this weekend...I was napping.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
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